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Ashes, Australia

Clarke very sleepy and heading back to bed

Rooters, Bristol

Darren Lehmann doesn't like metrosexuals.

Darren Lehmann doesn’t like metrosexuals.

Australian captain Michael Clarke was ‘shocked and stunned’ to be woken up this afternoon.

Nobody likes to be roused from an afternoon kip, especially when you’ve spent the morning on the massage table, but Clarke was ‘fucking ropeable’ when his complimentary Samsung Galaxy S4 started buzzing next to his head early on Monday afternoon.

A clearly weary Clarke, who ‘was not consulted but was told’ about the sacking of coach Mickey Arthur, distanced himself from the decision to get him out of bed and said Cricket Australia needed to focus on what was important to him.

“I think this is a decision made by Cricket Australia. It’s had nothing to do with the players, it’s had nothing to do with me personally. I wasn’t even there! I was in the fart sack!” he said.

“Cricket Australia have made this call and for us as a playing group, and now Darren, it’s really important that they look forward to what I have ahead of me and that’s a full body exfoliation and aromatherapy massage at 4.30 this arvo.”

Sleepy-head Clarke made no excuses for his side and said that he needed to take some responsibility for the inconsistent performances and off-field ill-discipline.

“Look. I should have been with the team for the ICC one-day stuff. I know. And I realise a few of the blokes have fucked up but fair dinkum. Have you met Joe Root? He’s a dickhead!”

The New South Welshman has stepped down as a selector, wanting to focus on his performances.

“Let’s be honest. None of the other blokes can bat. You all know that,” he said candidly. “Christ, since Punter (former captain Ricky Ponting) and Huss (Michael Hussey) snatched it I’ve been carrying the weak pricks. No wonder I’ve got a crook back. You can stick selecting up your arse.”

Darren Lehmann replaces Arthur at the helm after the South African’s departure was confirmed on Monday.

The Crow Eater, who has signed a contract until the end of the 2015 ICC World Cup, was in the Shepherd’s Bush Walkabout watching the replay of the Port Adelaide v Sydney Swans AFL clash when the call came through from Cricket Australia.

“Mate. I couldn’t believe it,” the still seedy Lehmann laughed. “I’ve been kissed on the dick by a fairy, haven’t I.”

“It was a challenge to keep it together when James (Sutherland – Cricket Australia chief executive) called, ‘cos (sic) I was pretty pissed.” said Lehmann. “But mate. I was pumped up. Port have been shithouse this year and they flew home in the last quarter.”

Arthur, who faced the media before Clarke and Lehmann and after Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland and performance manager Pat Howard, said he wouldn’t have changed his approach to the key post.

“I feel let down by the players. At the end of the day, they made me do everything,” he grumbled.

“I had to correct all of their homework and Michael wouldn’t even help. Coaching South Africa was much more fun. Dale Steyn bowled quick, Graeme Smith used to run the show and I got paid a shitload of Rand to feed the bowling machine. It was awesome!”

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