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Ashes, Australia

Cricket tragics rejoice as Australia ditch rotation policy for Ashes

Rooters, London

It's un-Australian to like Shane Watson

It’s un-Australian to like Shane Watson

After a decade of giving Australian cricket lovers the shits with a policy described as “informed player management” by national selector John Inverarity, Australia are shelving their controversial rotation policy in a victory for common sense.

The policy designed to safeguard key players from burn-out has drawn heavy criticism from the media and a number of internationals, including former Australian captain Ian Chappell who has described it as “frogshit”.

“If I had have asked FOT (legendary Australian fast bowler and advocate for ‘hardening the fuck up’, Dennis Lillee) to have a Test off after taking a bag he would have punched me on the fucking nose,” said Chappell. “And fair enough too!”

Cricket Australia appear to have finally pulled their collective heads out of their arses as the back-to-back Ashes campaigns threaten to fall into complete disarray barely two weeks prior to the opening Test against England.

“…looking ahead to the Ashes series in England and next summer in Australia, you won’t see any of that rotation policy, as you call it, in the fashion that we have in the past,” Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland said on ABC radio.

Struggling for form and beset by disciplinary issues, rotating players is a luxury the team cannot afford and Sutherland confirmed that the strongest available side would be selected throughout the Ashes.

“For well over a decade the Australian selectors have fucked around with the Test team, and to be honest, it all started with that meaningless one-day shit,” he said.

“I’ve got no doubt that will continue when we play against the nuffers like New Zealand but for Ashes Test matches, we will day-in, day-out be picking our best team.”

The decision has been warmly welcomed by newly appointed coach Darren Lehmann, who has been critical of the policy in the past.

“It’s a great result,” said Lehmann. “We’re getting our ship in order. They’ve given Arthur the flick, I’ve told (firebrand opening batsman David) Warner that if I see him Tweeting I’ll shove his phone up his arse, and starting tomorrow, the top order are going to shut the fuck up and just bat.”

The Australian side appear to be paying the price for their string of poor performances, including the 4-0 Test drubbing in India and the failure to win a single match in the Champions Trophy, where they were the defending champions.

Mirrors and hair gel have been banned from the team hotel and dressing rooms whilst a strict “Put your shirt back on you poofter!” policy is firmly in place.

“If I get my way Shane Watson will be on the next plane home,” Lehmann promised. “I know I speak for the Australian public when I say I’ve never been able to stand that metrosexual prick.”

“Two Test hundreds and he’s got the cheek to stand in the slips sledging Virender Sehwag. He’s not fit to hold Sehwag’s dick while the little champ has a leak!”

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