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Ashes, Australia

Usman Khawaja had a bowl today…..no shit!

Rooters, Taunton

“Fuck yeahhhhhh!” – a pumped up James Pattinson

“Fuck yeahhhhhh!” – a pumped up James Pattinson

It is said that “he who laughs last laughs hardest” and if that were true then in the words of Jules from Pulp Fiction, ousted Australia coach Mickey Arthur would be “one smiling mother fucker”.

A week after the South African bowling machine operator claimed his side boasted “the best bowling attack in the world”, Australian captain Michael Clarke brought on Usman Khawaja in the 41st over of a tour match against Somerset.

The host captain Marcus Trescothick was particularly disappointed at missing out on “filling my boots”after being caught hooking by specialist fine leg beanpole Mitchell Starc from the bowling of James Pattinson.

“I say,” began the Englishman.“My Somerset gents have just one win in nine County Championship matches this season. We were even obliterated by a team called the Unicorns in a washed out one-day fixture a few weeks ago. The fecking Unicorns! I say.”

“You don’t get to face this sort of tripe very often and I was itching to fill my boots. We were 304 for the loss of two just after tea. I say.”

Australia began the first day of their Ashes tour with a pre-match huddle on the Taunton outfield that culminated in several of the players collapsing in belly laughs. For the majority of the day’s cricket that followed, however, the only laughter in evidence would have emanated from the ample guts of Mickey Arthur back in Perth.

Somerset’s makeshift number three, Chris Jones, flayed the visitor’s to all parts of Taunton. Fresh from gaining a first-class degree in economics from Durham University last Tuesday, the finance boffin posted his maiden first-class century and deposited Nathan Lyon and Peter Siddle into the stands.

Somerset's Chris Jones - this geek averages 17 in first-class cricket.

Somerset’s Chris Jones – this geek averages 17 in first-class cricket.

“I only play cricket for shits and giggles,” laughed Jones, 22. “AP (South African import Alviro Petersen) had pulled out and they gave me a call to see if I wasn’t busy.”

“It feels quite surreal,” said Jones afterwards. “I wasn’t really meant to be playing, and seriously, I’ve had 33 first-class hits and my average was 17.”

“That was before today!” he said excitedly. “My word they bowled some shit didn’t they?”

The Australian bowlers were guilty of bowling too short on a flat pitch offering them little assistance, allowing Jones, arseholed former England opener Nick Compton and former England Lions captain James Hildreth to cut and pull with gay abandon.

Reflecting on the day, Australia’s new coach Darren Lehmann said Australia’s bowling performance had been “fucking shithouse” and revealed that seamers Jackson Bird and Ryan Harris will be given their chance in the second warm-up game against Worcestershire next week before he decides on the final Ashes line-up

“It is a pretty good wicket and a small ground with a fast outfield but how the fuck can you bowl four or five balls out of six really well then give them a pie,” he said.

“I just can’t understand how the supposedly best bowlers in Australia can’t hit the top of the off consistently. It’s not fucking rocket science!”

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