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Ashes, Australia

Warner forced to walk home from tour match

Rooters, Nottingham

“Dopey little bastard”.

“Dopey little bastard”.

Michael Clarke has talked up David Warner’s chances of being involved in the first Test despite the suspended dasher making an absolute meal of the Australian team’s drinks during the warm-up match against Worcester.

“I think he’s certainly served his punishment,” Clarke said. “We made him walk home to the team hotel. You can’t have the boys drinking that shit!”

“Now it’s about working out what our best mix is. It’s probably not his fault. Since Cottee’s fucked around with their cordial I don’t know anyone who can get the mix right. Seriously, the new ‘double concentrate’ is a fucking joke!”

Even before his banishment from the team bus, Warner was obviously struggling on the last day of the tour fixture, making seven batches during the morning session and stuffing them all up.

“It’s been tough for him there’s no doubt about it. I’m sure he would have loved to have got it right the first time but he just kept fucking it up,” said Clarke.

David Warner calls to coach Darren Lehmann for assistance.

David Warner calls to coach Darren Lehmann for assistance.

Phil Hughes says troubled star David Warner will have the full support of the Australian dressing room should he be asked to prepare the beverages for next week’s first Ashes Test.

Hughes, who was one of the players out drinking with Warner on the night he belted shit out of England rival Joe Root in a Birmingham nightclub, says his long-time teammate “makes a fucking superb ‘Shit On Grass’”.

“It’s the best shooter I’ve ever had!” Hughes enthused. “He bangs half a shot of Midori into a shot glass, then he pours Kahlua on top. It’s much harder than it sounds, I can assure you.”

Australia’s former fast bowler Glenn McGrath says Warner’s punishment was a positive move that has been the kick in the arse the side desperately needed when it came to knocking up a tasty fruit drink brew.

”Something had to happen because the way things were drifting it would have gone from bad to worse,” McGrath said. “I heard the team have not locked down their water to cordial ratio. Four days out from the first Test you’ve just got to get the little things right. You can’t have the boys drinking that shit!”

New coach Darren Lehmann declared Warner would start with a clean slate and believes the troubled batsman has served his time and is duly remorseful.

“Look. He’s as dumb as a wheel, the dopey little bastard,” he laughed. “You’d taste it first wouldn’t ya’? Anyway, I knew he’d fuck it up so when he sang out to me during this morning’s drinks break I flew out with some I’d knocked up earlier.”

“It’s the 7 P’s mate – Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. You can’t have the boys drinking that shit!”

Former Australian skipper Allan Border wasn’t so forgiving when it came to Warner’s indiscretion.

“I am asking myself whether Warner has forfeited the right to have anything to do with the first Test because of his stupidity in the cordial incident. I heard he even trotted out ‘Apple Blackcurrant with No Added Sugar’, which is probably the greater fucking issue. You can’t have the boys drinking that shit!”

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