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Ashes, England

Gatting says pick Poms last

Rooters, Nottingham

"Right-o. Which one of you chaps farted?"

“Right-o. Which one of you chaps farted?”

Ashes-winning captain and professional pie-eater Mike Gatting has urged England to continue with their national import policy for this northern summer’s contest with Australia.

In keeping with the rich tradition of claiming non-English athletes as their own, the Poms have jumped all over Scottish Wimbledon champion and dour pain-in-the-arse Mummy’s boy Andy Murray, along with Kenyan-born South African Tour de France leader Chris ‘Froomey’ Froome.

Gatting has insisted this dodgy institution be maintained and has demanded the England team selectors act decisively.

“The first thing you’ve got to do is get your Internationals picked. Alastair Cook has a side bristling with South Africans. They will have to slot KP (Pietermaritzburg pullthrough Kevin Pietersen) back in after injury to bump up their import number. Jonathon Trott and Matt Prior are all from down there too. Those chaps must be the first players selected,” he told Rooters Cricket.

“In the ’86-87 series, I demanded we pick Allan Lamb. He was South African. I even included ‘Fabulous’ Phil De Freitas who was Dominican and Phil Edmonds from Northern Rhodesia, wherever the fuck that is.”

Gatting continued to waffle on about that unremarkable 1986-7 Ashes series claiming his captaincy proved decisive as he masterminded an England triumph in Australia.

‘Beefy (Ian Botham who had recently been banned for cannabis possession) said in the dressing room on the first morning in Brisbane ‘It’s 11 of us against 11 of them and I fancy us very strongly,’” Gatting recalled.

Be fucked!

"Piss off, dickhead!"

“Piss off, dickhead!”

His team claimed the series 2-1 over their Antipodean foes on the back of wins in Brisbane and Melbourne while Australian walk-up starts Kim Hughes, Terry Alderman, John Dyson, Graham Yallop, Rodney Hogg, Trevor Hohns and Carl Rackemann fucked off to play a Rebel Tour in South Africa for cash.

These two wins against an undermanned home team were the only successes the fat bastard had as skipper. He won just two of 23 Tests in charge of England between 1986 and 1988. That’s a winning percentage of exactly 8.70. Even recently arseholed Melbourne Football Club coach Mark Neeld ran at 15% over 33 games.

There is only one England captain who has led his country in more than 10 Tests and achieved a worse record. Ian Botham won none of 12. Pisser!

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