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Ashes, England

Ashes fun police ban flares

Rooters, Nottingham

"What do we do now?"

“What do we do now?”

With the Ashes barely 24 hours away, England’s fun police have stepped in to ensure that nobody has a good time.

Hooliganism, or unruly, destructive, aggressive and bullying behaviour commonly associated with English soccer fans, has been banned from the first Test at Trent Bridge in Nottingham.

The much-loved flare that has accompanied many of England’s most memorable soccer riots both at home and abroad will also be forbidden in Nottingham. Flares have been a regular fixture among English football crowds, and along with thuggery, is considered part and parcel of the colour and noise of an otherwise piss-boring sporting event such as soccer.

Until now.

Nobody is happy about the ban, least of all England’s cricketers. South African batsman Kevin Pietersen, who has been known to spark up a maritime distress signal at his backyard barbeques from time to time, took to Twitter to call the move a “DISGRACE”.

England spinner Graeme Swann also put his social media weight behind the use of the hand-held pyrotechnics, using the #FlaresAreTheShit hashtag.

“The players are all in favour of our louts busting out flares wherever we are,” Swann told Rooters Cricket. “Hoods are the unspoken 12th man for us when we are on tour and in big series at home, so I think it’s a real shame we’re not going to see them glassing each other and throwing plastic chairs onto the ground here.”

"Oi!! Flares are good fun!!"

“Oi!! Flares are good fun!!”

England cricket officials have reportedly approached authorities at Trent Bridge to see if a compromise can be reached, but it appears the ban on meatheads and flares will hold fast.

Nottinghamshire have been sticklers in the “No Fuckwits” policy they share with Lord’s, venue for the second Ashes Test next week. Officials have made it abundantly clear all dickheads are to remain outside the ground.

The man at the centre of the furore, Fred Bull of Lincolnshire Marine Services in Nottingham, said that the situation was “Fucking fucked”.

“My shop is chock full of flares. I’ve got dozens of boxes of the fucking things. What the fuck am I supposed to do with them now?”

English fans hold a flare vigil on the River Trent, Nottingham.

English fans hold a flare vigil on the River Trent, Nottingham.

It appears Nottinghamshire officials couldn’t give a rat’s arse, and it is now thought that Bull will have to palm them off at cost price to local Nottingham Forest soccer thugs. Those nutbags are said to be “thrilled”.

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