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Ashes, Australia

Warner to seek asylum in South Africa

Rooters, Nottingham

"I know some Afrikaans, Phil. 'Haai. My naam is David.'"

“I know some Afrikaans, Phil. ‘Haai. My naam is David.'”

Australia have revealed David Warner has left the Ashes squad after selectors decided he wasn’t ready to take on England in the first two Tests at Trent Bridge and Lord’s.

Warner, who was suspended after punching 14-year-old Joe Root in a Birmingham bar in June, will join up with the Australia A tour of Zimbabwe and South Africa.

However, in a shocking revelation, Warner has revealed to Rooters Cricket that he plans to seek asylum from the South African government upon touching town at Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg.

“Mate, I’ve looked into it,” explained a clearly agitated Warner. “Article 14 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that ‘Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.’”

“I know I fucked up with those tweets to bloody (Australian cricket journalists) Malcolm Conn and (Robert) ‘Crash’ Craddock and punching that little piss-ant Root, but how can they pick fucking Ed Cowan? That’s what I call persecution! Did you see how he got out today? First ball! Even I would have left that!”

Speculation had been rife that New South Welshmen Warner would bat at No  6 here, despite missing out on Australia’s only two first class warm-up games, at Taunton and Worcester, because of his ban.

The tourists opted to include New South Welshman Steve Smith in the middle order instead, with New South Welshman Phil Hughes dropping to No  6 and New South Wales corpse-with-pads Cowan at 3.

New Australian coach Darren Lehmann revealed that Warner took his dropping “hard”.

“Obviously David’s disappointed he’s not playing, but he handled the news really well and knows what he needs to do. He just needs to go out there and get some runs, then come back on tour.”

When told of Warner’s plans to seek refuge in South Africa Lehmann’s response was as expected.

“He wants to fucking what!?! How did he expect us to pick him without any form in four-day cricket. I thought he understood the reasons behind giving him the arse when Rod Marsh spoke to him. Well he can go fuck himself!”

It has come to no surprise that The England and Wales Cricket Board has already signaled its intent to add Warner to the long list of expat-South Africans who have played for England.

The Chairman of Selectors Geoff Miller and head coach Andy Flower have indicated they plan to pick Warner, ironically to replace Joe Root at the top of the order, for the third Test at Old Trafford starting August 3.

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