In a hugely contentious moment, England’s Stuart Broad was given a bewildering reprieve when Pakistani umpire Aleem Dar failed to spot a thick edge to Michael Clarke at slip off the bowling of Rooters Cricket’s own Ashton Agar.
South African Kevin Pietersen backed his team-mate’s decision not to walk, and was effusive in his praise of Dar, who hails from the same country that harbored cowboy hat wearing, terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden in a downtown Abbottabad condominium.
“Every single batsman, who plays cricket, no matter who you play for, has the right to wait for the umpire’s decision, and nobody makes decisions for them, especially not a daft loony like Aleem ” he said.
“Aleem Dar is a fucking weird man and we love it when he throws in these crazy decisions. Cricket’s a funny game and he is a genuinely bizarre fellow.”
While deluded clowns, such as Pietersen, unintelligible Yorkshireman Geoff Boycott and self-righteous, failed former England captain Ian Botham universally applauded Broad, West Indies legend and cool dude Michael Holding is calling on the ICC, cricket’s world governing body, to BAN Broad for trampling over the spirit of cricket.
Holding believes Broad’s crime is on a par with that of West Indies wicketkeeper Denesh Ramdin who claimed a catch after the ball had fallen to the ground and was banned by Broad’s daddy Chris – an ICC match referee. Yep, poofy Stu’s daddy.
“What Stuart Broad did amounts to the same thing as Ramdin, mon,” said Holding. “He knew he had hit the ball, mon. The ICC fined Ramdin and suspended him for ‘actions that were contrary to the spirit of the game’, mon.”
“What Stuart Broad did is contrary to the spirit of the game, mon. He played the ball and stayed there, mon. That’s contrary to being a fucking dude, mon. Next time I see Stuart I will be Turkey-slapping him senseless, mon.”
The incident, which left captain Michael Clarke and his team-mates fuming and coach Darren Lehmann throwing his stubby of VB through a window on the team balcony, came one day after England batsman Jonathan Trott was given out lbw by the third umpire despite Hot Spot technology being unavailable.
Meanwhile the inventor of the Hot Spot system apologised for an “operator error”.
“Here is the absolute truth from our perspective in regard to the Trott incident,” Warren Brennan told the cricinfo website.
“It was operator error. My operator was playing ‘Angry Birds Star Wars’ on my iPad. He didn’t even have fucking Hot Spot on! He’s obsessed by the game.”
“He’s cost me a fortune in those fucking in-app purchases and he’s up to the Cloud City level. That’s what happens when you’re hiring geeks I suppose.”
Australian spin great and mad rooter Shane Warne lambasted Dar in an extraordinary Twitter outburst after the close of the play.
“We all make mistakes & it’s a very tough job being an umpire, but when Dar continually fucks up why does he keep getting a fucking job? Liz could do it better, couldn’t you love?”
For the good of cricket, let us hope that baby-faced match referee Ranjan Madugalle hardens the fuck up and throws the book at the big Pommy ponce.