Australia’s batsmen have been placed on notice by their coach Darren Lehmann, who declared after a memorable first Test match in charge that the team’s inability to get consistent runs from the top order and an unhealthy reliance on the tail wagging must end if the Ashes are to be won from 1-0 down.
He also declared “if you’ve got no shots you can fuck off.” Clearly this was a comment directed squarely at piss-boring commerce geek Edward James McKenzie Cowan.
“We’ve told Ed how we want him to play and how we want him to bat. The trouble is the poor bastard just doesn’t have any shots. Not even one of those poofy glides through gully,” Lehmann said.
“We picked him to do a role. He’ll be disappointed he has no shots. So are we. I’m not sure he’ll get any better either. He can’t get it off the fucking square! So we’ll sit down as a selection panel over the next couple of days and obviously old Eddie boy will be getting the arse.”
Captain Michael Clarke says there’s something to be said for knowing that Cowan is uncomplicated as a player.
“Uncomplicated? Christ. With Ed, you know what you’re going to get,” Clarke said. “And that’s fuck all. He’s as boring as bat shit and he think he’s batting well. No shit!”
“One of Ed’s greatest strengths is his defence. But please, Ed. One fucking shot! Just one fucking shot! Even one of those poofy glides through gully.”
In Australia’s second Ashes tour game against Worcestershire, Cowan showed how mind-numbingly boring he could be as a first drop, when he came in with Australia flying at 1-170 but was unable to maintain the momentum, scratching his unconvincing 58 out from 114 bloody balls.
“If you can ‘shoulder arms’ against the new ball, you can certainly ‘shoulder arms’ against the older ball. It’s a piece of piss,” explained Cowan. “I think aggressive in England doesn’t necessarily mean playing big shots. Suits me down to the ground. I don’t play any. I’ve been practicing my glide through gully though.”
Cowan explained how he would approach preparing to bat at three as opposed to his customary opening position.
“Finding a way to distract yourself until it’s time to bat because one thing about opening the batting is you start preparing when they’re eight or nine down, you’ve got 10 minutes to put your pads on and out you go,” he said.
“If it’s in the middle order, do you relax, do you stay up? All those little things and that will be a challenge but it’s something I’m just going to have to deal with.”
A quick ‘Sherman tank’, three cans of Red Bull and a nervous dump before the first Australian innings at Trent Bridge and Cowan was sprinting out to bat with his eyes rolling around in his head like Ben Cousins.
With the tourists in the precarious position of 1 for 19 he played a bastard of a cover drive at a wide pie off Steve Finn and was caught in the slips. Steve Finn! This bloke got belted by Rooters Cricket’s own, 19 year old One Direction hopeful Ashton Agar.
In 2010, Cowan kept in touch by playing club cricket in the Netherlands. Pass the bong, Ed!