On the eve of the second Ashes Test, Australian backstop Brad Haddin has revealed the Australian team has devised a cunning plan to wrest the urn back from their current owner. The team ‘brains trust’ has implemented a crafty plot involving English opening bowler James Anderson
“We’re going to get him to bowl heaps,” explained Haddin. “Hopefully he gets puffed out and starts bowling shit. Then we can brain him!”
The plan may require some subtle tweaking as the reverse-swing maestro Anderson took 10 wickets and bowled England to victory on the final day of the first Test. In an astonishingly astute epiphany, Australia has come to the conclusion that Anderson was the difference at Trent Bridge.
“He was at you the whole time. I had the opportunity when Finn came on to swing from the arse a little bit. I done good, I reckon,” explained Haddin.
“I had the feeling England didn’t really want to bowl him. I was always going to slog and see where it got to, see if they could bring Jimmy and that back quicker than they wanted to. I thought that would trick ‘em.”
“In the end it worked against me, he got me in the end,” Haddin admitted. ”It didn’t go right to plan.”
Alastair Cook pooh-poohed any suggestion England are a one-man bowling attack describing the Australian comprehensive strategy as “frogshit”.
The clear hint from Cook is that the Australians are wasting their time employing their ingenious ploy.
“The Australians are wasting their fucking time,” said Cook.
“I say! It’s a bit disrespectful to the three other chaps that are bowling. I hear they are looking at batting Ashton Agar at 3,” he said. “A rather dangerous tactic, one would say.”
Haddin praised the lower order that fought with him on the final morning at Trent Bridge, and Agar.
“A 19-year-old kid playing in his second Test match and they’re talking about batting him at 3,” Haddin said. “Oh well. I wish I could play shots like that. Every time he hit the ball it went where he wanted it to.”
“How the fuck does he do that? Whenever I try to hit over mid-off, if I don’t nick it goes to cow corner. Whenever I try to cover drive, if I don’t nick it goes to cow corner. It’s fucked!”
Agar encouraged Haddin saying, “Keep at it, Tiger.”