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Ashes, Australia, England

England devastated by ‘selfish’ Watson

Rooters, London

"Stick that up your arse, Watto!"

“Stick that up your arse, Watto!”

The English cricket team have revealed their dismay at Shane Watson’s decision not to review his LBW decision in the second innings of the disastrous Lord’s test. The team’s ‘Punter’s Club’, led by Tim Bresnan, had backed the metrosexual ponce to blow another review.

“The selfish fucker!” Bresnan lamented. “We got him at sevens after the first Test to call for a review in both innings of this one. It was a fucking moral!”

Having done their homework, Bresnan and his colleagues were expecting to clean up at William Hill. They were instead left spewing when the self-centred narcissist bucked his own trend and didn’t refer the umpire’s decision to the third umpire after being trapped in front by Jimmy Anderson.

“The lads aren’t talking to me,” he said. “It was my turn to put the bets on this week and I emptied out the account. We loaded up!”

“Did you know that big dopey Ken Doll has been out LB 24 times in his career? We were going for three in a row in this series alone. For blokes who’ve had more than 70 hits, that sooky prick has been out LB more than anyone else in history on percentages. Fuck it!”

Watson may well have been gun shy after putting himself before the team yet again on Friday. After being trapped in front, Watson’s referral fuck up started another piss weak batting collapse that claimed 10 wickets for 86 runs.

Refer that, you dickhead

Refer that, you dickhead

Coach Darren Lehmann was scathing over continual poor judgement using the technology, but said it was in fact Rogers who advised his opening partner to review the LBW. Lehmann said Watson was going to walk until Rogers intervened.

“Bucky Rogers fucked that up with Shane, he told Shane to take it,” Lehmann said. “The fact is Buck’s a good bloke but the Poms promised to slip him a cut of their loot. It was a poor decision but he’ll probably get the arse after this series so he could do with the coin.”

Lehmann said he doesn’t want to keep making excuses for Watson.

“I think he’d be close to having a big score if he had even an iota of a fucking ticker. But he doesn’t,” said Lehmann. “How the fuck does a robot like him keep hitting across the line. He wants to hit everything through midwicket. Christ!”

Former Australian pantsman Shane Warne was another to offer his two cents on Australia’s Derek Zoolander.

“He wants to dominate the bowlers, which he can if the deck’s flat, the ball’s not swinging, it’s not too hot and we’re playing Bangladesh. To me it looks as though his mindset is, ‘I’ve seen off James Anderson, now it’s time to impose myself on this England attack’. One of the basics you are taught as a 10-year-old is to play in the ‘V’ at the start of your innings. Any fucking danger he could play straight?”

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