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Ashes, Australia

‘I done good!’ – Warner

Rooters, London

"Since I fumped (sic) Joe Root's brain I done good, haven't I?"

“Since I fumped (sic) Joe Root’s brain I done good, haven’t I?”

David Warner has pushed his claims for an Ashes call-up by scoring 193 for Australia A in the first unofficial ‘Tin-Pot’ Test against South Africa A in Pretoria. Warner struck 29 fours and a six in his 226-ball innings before being bowled by some unknown muppet called Marchant de Lange.

Warner was buoyant after the innings in which he shared a 204-run fifth-wicket partnership with the arsiest prick in Australia, Glenn Maxwell.

“I done good, didn’t I?” he asked the media horde of 3 pissed German backpackers. “I done real good. Glenn done good too. We both done good.”

“They told me if I was a real good boy they might let me bat at six. ‘Boof’ (Australian coach Darren Lehmann) said ‘Just don’t fucking whack no one, Davey!’ ‘Please don’t be a fuckhead down there, Davey!’ That sort of shit. Since I fumped (sic) Joe Root’s brain I done good, haven’t I?”

Warner also made the lofty claim that he planned to fill the role played by recently retired Mike Hussey – a batsman with a sound technique, common sense and an IQ higher than that of Forrest Gump.

“If I get back into the Test team and I bat six, I’ll be doing everyfink (sic) like Mike Hussey ‘cos (sic) I like Mike Hussey and that. He batted fast like me.”

Lehmann said he had spoken to Warner about his behaviour and was prepared to give him another chance.

“The slate’s pretty clean with him,” he said. “We’ve spoken about it, I mean as well as you can with a simple prick like poor old Dave. I’ve just had to use sensible, straight down the line chat without many big words and hope like buggery he’s taking something in. By Christ he’s dumb.”

Lehmann must now decide whether to recall Warner for the third Test at Old Trafford, which starts on August 1. The tourists are 2-0 down in the series and must win in Manchester to keep alive their hopes of not having to waddle around the Kensington Ground in London with their pants around their ankles should they lose the series in a 5-zip clean sweep.

Having done so after a thrashing on the Cricketer’s Arms pool table in Melbourne town, this writer can assure the reader that that experience is a soul-destroying one from which an individual may never recover. But I digress.

Should Warner be injected into the piss-poor Australian batting line-up, the question then would be who misses out. The wheels have well and truly fallen off Steve Smith and Phil Hughes. Usman Khawaja has played one reasonable innings in a row and will more than likely retain his position for the third Test at Old Trafford, fuck up and be dropped for the fourth.

Those three lemons are in the Australian line-up to play Sussex, along with reserve wicketkeeper Matthew Wade and are to be captained by Ed Cowan. No shit! Ed fucking Cowan!

Stick with it, folks. The Spring Carnival will be here to put us out of our misery before you know it.

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