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Ashes, Australia, England

England set to inject life into Ashes

Rooters, Manchester

"Please stop pummelling me!"

“Please stop pummelling me!”

England selectors today announced a 14-man squad for the third Ashes Test at Old Trafford, starting on Thursday. In an attempt to even up the one-sided contest, they have included left arm pie-chucker Monty Panesar.

National selector Geoff Miller said, “We’ve got to do something, old bean. We tried to give the colonials a sporting chance at Lord’s by picking Jonny Bairstow and even he belted five colours of shit out of the useless bastards in the first innings.”

In his last five Tests against Australia, Panesar has bowled 124.3 overs with 12 maidens and has taken 11 for 494. No shit!!

That includes the Perth match in 2006 when Adam Gilchrist belted the poor bastard like a red-headed stepson, smashing the ‘Turban-Headed Warrior’ for three consecutive sixes on his way to a 57-ball 102 not out and the second fastest ton in Test history.

“My fellow selectors have had some time this week to decide how to get Australia back into the contest and an opportunity to bring in old Monty presented itself,” said Miller. “Monty is a fuck up in pretty much all aspects of the game and if the convicts can’t belt the piss out of him when he comes on then I’m not sure what else we can do.”

Panesar was clearly unaware of the selectors scheme with the weirdo under the impression he can bowl.

“Definitely. It’s obvious, you know. I’m fucking rad with the Duke and the lads think I am too,” he said. “The Australian team is very competitive, but I always feel there is an opportunity to blow their minds with my gnarly twirl.”

“Selectors have obviously seen improvement in (me) the last couple of games, especially against Australia. It was really important for me to put them under pressure and show the selectors I was in a good place, you know, spritually.”


Miller was clearly unconvinced commenting, “He really is a deluded fuckwit.”

"I poo like this"

“I poo like this”

Kevin Pietersen is continuing in his recovery from an acute masturbation-related calf strain and will be assessed by the medical team closer to the start of the Test. England have therefore included an extra batsman in James Taylor who is bloody ordinary, unless he plays Australia.

Batting against the tourists in the warm-up match for Sussex, Taylor gave the Australians catching practice in the slips and was dropped on 23 and 90 on his way to an unbeaten 121.

Aussie fast bowler Jackson Bird described Taylor as “fucking scratchy.”

“He nicked a few balls through the slips and our dickheads either couldn’t get a mitt on it or they dropped him,” said Bird. “It was fucked.”

Taylor admitted that he struggled against the Australians.

“It wasn’t the best innings I’ve played, it wasn’t one of my most fluent at all,” he admitted. “But when you’re not feeling in the best of touch it always sets the mind at ease when you look back at the slips and see those muppets. They are genuinely fucking hopeless!”



2 thoughts on “England set to inject life into Ashes

  1. Wouldn’t mind seeing two spinners at Old Trafford – though Montgomerie Panasar hasn’t done much for Sussex this year. David Warner wouldn’t punch Monty though – or would he?

    Posted by One Busy Man | July 31, 2013, 8:17 pm

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