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Ashes, Australia

‘Did I mention I didn’t make my debut until I was 30? Christ!’ – Hussey

Rooters, Sydney

"Christ!" says Mike Hussey

“Christ!” says Mike Hussey

Mike Hussey says it would be a horrible feeling to be back in Australia’s dressing room as the tourists stumble from one Ashes loss to another, acknowledging two losses would have left a “shithouse taste in the mouth”.

However Hussey, who had to wait until he was 30 to make his Test debut, said the current crop of players deserve what they are getting.

“Do I feel for the guys?” Hussey asked reporters on Tuesday. “Fuck no! I had to pile on over 10,000 first-class runs before they game me a Test when I was 30 and have a look at the nuff-nuffs they pick now. Christ!”

Apparently, members of the current Australian squad have attempted to ‘pick the brains’ of the champion former middle order batsman, known as Mr Cricket.

“They’ve tried to get in touch with me through text messaging. You know, asking me if I’d ‘friend’ them on Facebook, whatever the fuck that means. These ‘Gen Y’ wankers. Christ!”

Defeat in the third Test starting on Thursday in Manchester would equal Australia’s worst-ever losing run of seven matches.

“Have I been in that situation? Fuck no! Of course I played in Aussie sides where we weren’t travelling that well but we never rolled over like these soft cocks. Christ!”

Hussey says England have given Australia a lesson in the need to play disciplined cricket for long periods.

“The Poms have got seasoned, hardened players who’ve been there and done it for a long period of time and know what they have to do,” Hussey said. “They’re prepared to be patient and disciplined for long, long periods of time.”

“Our blokes are pissweak. Is there any danger they could hang around and fly the flag for more than half an hour? Fuck no! Did I mention I didn’t make my debut until I was 30? Christ!”

The 38-year-old concurred with the rest of the country, saying the current crop of Test batsmen are getting their opportunities too easily following last summer’s retirements of himself and Ricky Ponting.

“We’re supposed to say, ‘Oh, we need to show faith in these guys and keep believing in them.’ ‘They’re all very fine players.’ ‘They’ve just got to get into this next Test match.’ ‘Just go out there and play your way, boys.’ ‘All that gently, gently new-age Mummy’s boy shit. Do you believe it? Fuck no! I don’t. Christ!”

Former wicketkeeper and glorious ‘Trophy Head’ Adam Gilchrist backed the assessment, saying the Australian team lacked “balls”, and desperately required a “kick up the arse.”

“I don’t even reckon the penny’s dropped after the last Test,” an incredulous Gilchrist told Rooters Cricket. “They’re still swanning around ‘tops off’ at training like fucking Shane Watson. Hopefully (pisshead Australian coach) ‘Boof’ Lehmann will at least give them the kick up the arse and spray they deserve. That’ll de-stress the bastards.”

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