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Ashes, Australia, England

Hoy Cricket! Stop being a c**t!

Rooters, Manchester

"You blokes are fuckwits!"

“You blokes are fuckwits!”

My old Grandpappy used to say, “Champion. The trouble with common sense is it’s not common.” And dear old Pop may well have been referring to umpires Tony Hill and Marais Erasmus who took the players off during the fourth day of the third Test at Old Trafford, much to the frustration of Michael Clarke and a sell-out crowd.

“Was it just me, or did those dickheads not notice the fucking lights were on,” a clearly pissed orf Clarke said. “Fair dinkum, I was one of the blokes batting and they were concerned about fucking player safety! Wouldn’t you reckon they’d ask me if I wanted to get off? The world has gone mad!”

With a draw now likely, if not inevitable, Manchester’s infamous shitty weather has become the saviour for the English side for this third Ashes Test.

Like one of us mere mortals getting a guernsey with Liz Hurley in the fart sack, the Ashes will be won, not with a brilliant conclusion to an excellent performance by the Australians a la a pissed Shane Warne after the races last week, but with a premature whimper and a disappointing mess to clean up.

Rooters Cricket suggests the bad light law must be better implemented.

Amended in 2010, the law states: “If at any time the umpires together agree that the conditions of ground, weather or light are so bad that there is obvious and foreseeable risk to the safety of any player or umpire, so that it would be unreasonable or dangerous for play to take place, then they shall immediately suspend play, or not allow play to commence or to restart.”

Fucking dangerous!?! Michael Clarke, with pads on, batting under lights, wanted to stay on. Christ!

There was even some sympathy for Clarke’s predicament from Monty Burns doppelganger and former England captain Nasser Hussain.

“The ICC’s directive that play should continue whenever possible did not seem to be adhered to when the umpires first took the players off,” he said. “When was the last time you saw a fielder get injured in the covers, other than Phil Tufnell, because he couldn’t see the ball?”

Cricket fans the world over thank buggery for the sale of beer at Test venues (except for those weird-arsed militant Muslim set-ups that will stone you for enjoying a fart) because, if we’re to be honest, a long day at the cricket does benefit from the sucking of bulk piss.

So if cricket is slow enough already, with too many delays which are now compounded by the painful amount of time it takes video umpires to watch endless reviews before making a decision along with fucking Stuart Broad slipping off the ground four times a session to change his underpants or back one out or have a Sherman Tank or whatever the fuck he does, why are the umpires ending proceedings prematurely?

Of course, soft cock England captain Alistair Cook added to the impending umpire fuck up when he replaced spinner Graeme Swann with pace bowler Stuart Broad as the light dimmed to force the umpires’ hand.

England piss farted around to bowl 22.3 overs in the afternoon session that was shortened ten minutes by rain, and 6.3 overs in the next 36 minutes. As Aussie cricket journo Gideon Haigh wrote, “Species have evolved faster.”

You must hand it to the hosts though. They ran like Rolf Harris at a Wiggles concert at 4.26pm, when the umpires decided that the light was an issue, up into the changerooms where Ian Bell and Jonny Bairstow wrestled each other for use of the team iPad. Apparently Candy Crush Saga is very popular in the English squad. Bloody fairies.

Fans pay a lot of money to attend Test matches, particularly at relatively piddly England grounds that are usually sold out for the Ashes. They can spend up to $54,673 for a ticket to a day’s play at Old Trafford and deserve better.

The DRS, slow over rates and overly officious dickheads in white with light meters.

Hoy Cricket! Stop being a c**t!



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