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Ashes, England

Happy hours. Golden showers. An evening with Monty.

Rooters, Brighton

Monty Panesar will do wees anywhere

Monty Panesar will do wees anywhere

England cricket star Monty Panesar has been fined by police after being caught urinating on nightclub bouncers in Brighton. In startling revelations, it has been confirmed The ‘Turban Headed Warrior’, who has taken 164 Test wickets for England, enjoyed a bender that would have sat Charlie Sheen on his arse.

The spin bowler, who plays for Sussex County Cricket Club, was fined for being drunk and disorderly outside the Shooshh Club early on Monday morning. Reports time Monty giving the burly meatheads a ‘golden shower’ at about 3.30am but it appears his nocturnal shenanigans started hours earlier.

Sussex teammate and Irishman Ed Joyce said “he was proper munted”.

“Now he’s not a teetotaler, when Monty goes, he really goes fooking apeshit,” Joyce laughed. “He usually starts off shotgunning cans of Stella in his loungeroom with the ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ video playing over and over.”

“You know the ‘Prodigy ‘ one where that crazy bitch gets out on the piss and punches shit out of a bouncer and spews everywhere? By the time he gets out he’s off his fooking tits. It’s fooking brilliant!”

Hours before draining the sleepy weasel on the unsuspecting door monkeys, Panesar was seen on the dancefloor of the Shooshh Club completing a number of extraordinary dance moves.

“He started doing ‘The Sprinkler’ and ‘The Lawn Mower’,” Joyce laughed. “He pretty much took over the fooking place. Next thing I knew he was doing one-handed push ups and challenging barmen to fooking arm wrestles. Fook it was good!”

Around 1am it was reported by venue staff that Panesar’s behaviour had become “disturbing”.

“It was nuts,” said Joyce. “I was going to leave him to his own devices but then he started ordering us all Turbo Jäger Bombs and I wasn’t going fooking anywhere.”

“Have you seen him do his ‘dick tricks’? After midnight he got his fooking cock out and started off with ‘The Wristwatch’. Then he went through his full repertoire. The ‘Loch Ness Monster’, the ‘Windsurfer’, the ‘Baby Bird’, the ‘Flying Squirrel’ and my personal favourite, the ‘Atomic Mushroom’. I was fooking crying!”

Panesar was asked to leave the beachfront club after a group of women complained about his behaviour. He walked up to the promenade above the club and ‘shook hands with Ganesha’ through the railings on the startled bouncers below.

He ran off and the bouncers chased him, cornering him in a pizza fast food restaurant where Panesar was hilariously heard shouting “help, help” as he was placed in an excellent ‘rear naked choke’. He was taken back to the club and police were called. He agreed to pay a 90 pound on-the-spot fine.

Good result, Monty.

Panesar’s behaviour is rumoured to have become increasingly eccentric in India last winter and Sussex dropped him for an County Championship game against Middlesex this summer, partly because he had undergone an injection in his shoulder but also because they were unhappy with his incessant puppetry of the penis.

Simon Hoole, general manager of the nightclub, said: “Unfortunately we can only confirm that there was an incident at that time and a man wearing a turban had his cock out.”

A spokeswoman for Panesar said he “apologised unreservedly for getting his cock out again” and he was due to speak to officials at Sussex. The club issued a statement yesterday saying they had launched a “full investigation”.

Zac Toumasi, the county’s chief executive, added: “There is no denial of what is being reported. I was there. He had his cock out.”

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