England has won the Ashes following a monumental Australian batting collapse on day four at Chester-le-Street. Set an intimidating 299 to win, the task was never going to be easy for the tourists but after a century stand from openers David Warner and Chris Rogers the Australian middle and lower order shit the bed.
In a non-too-surprising revelation, spinner Nathan Lyon has advertised his position as leader of the victory chorus of ‘Under the Southern Cross’.
“Bloody Mike Hussey was a smart arse, wasn’t he?” a bemused Lyon said. “It was his funny little fucking joke wasn’t it? Give it to the bloke who keeps getting the arse. I don’t fucking want it! Stick your song up your arse!”
Since he became Australia’s ‘song master’, passed onto him by outgoing maestro Hussey, Lyon has not been called on to lead the ‘Bogan Anthem’. In that time, Australia has lost seven of its eight Tests.
Should they fail to win at The Oval they will drop to fifth on the ICC rankings. Christ!
“You watch what happens,” said Lyon. “They’ll fucking drop me now. 7 for 97 for the match from 42 odd overs and they’ll fucking drop me. They did it in India and they’ll blame me for this fuck up too.”
Lyon expressed his dismay at the apparent favouritism the Australian selectors have shown for the team’s underperforming batsmen, including sooky Shane Watson who is nursing a groin and hip injury.
“They’ll have their love in for (resident metrosexuals) Khawaja and Smith. They’ll even wheel ‘Quentin’ Watson out, injured or not. But they’ll give me the arse, nothing surer!”
It was a bitter blow for paceman Ryan Harris who earlier with the ball had taken career-best figures of 7-117 and nine for the match in a lionhearted display.
“Fuck they were weak. Weak as piss, they were,” a clearly savage Harris said. “I was trying my guts out with a fucked knee but did you see the shit the rest of them bowled this morning?”
“How ‘bout how Khawaja got out against Swann? Again!?! Five times in seven Ashes innings. Weak as piss! And bloody Smith and Watson and Haddin. Weak as piss! Even Michael Clarke. Weak. As. Piss!”
England captain Cook said his team showed remarkable composure to turn it around with nine wickets after tea.
“The skill to turn it around after tea showed remarkable composure,” he said.