The Cricket Australia National Selection Panel (NSP) has today announced an 18-man squad for the limited overs component of the VB Tour of England, as well as the ODI against Scotland.
Commenting on the squad, National Selector John Inverarity, who played Sergeant Frank Drebin in the film ‘The Naked Gun’ and Dr. Rumack in ‘Flying High’ said, “The NSP today announced an 18-man squad for the two T20s against …….. oh who am I kidding. Of course you don’t give a rat’s arse.”
Apparently the NSP will reduce the squad, probably to 15, after a tin-pot one-dayer against Scotland and the T20 matches against England with most of the Test team heading off for a mad rooting Contiki Tour at their earliest convenience, which appears to be the only reason they were over there.
In what will be a dream come true for Fawad Ahmed, Inverarity says the transition from becoming an Australian citizen to representing Australia is a great story in itself.
“We’ve picked Fawad Ahmed as the squad’s lead spinner,” said Inverarity. “He replaces Xavier Doherty and becomes the 63rd spinner selected since the retirement of Shane Warne.”
The squad has a mix of old and new about it, with Ahmed particularly exciting Australia coach Darren Lehmann. But not so the spinners the brand spanking Aussie replaces.
“While Doherty will be disappointed, he won’t want to bitch and moan in front of Nathan Lyon,” said Lehmann. “Then again the NSP just love fucking with that skinny little bastard’s whispy head.”
“It’s sort of funny in a ‘Homer Simpson’ kind of way. You know, ‘Nathan goes up. Nathan goes down. Nathan goes up. Nathan goes down.”
Steve Smith has replaced Mitchell Marsh from the squad that represented Australia in the ICC Champions Trophy.
“Steve is a talented young stroke-maker who is steadily gaining confidence and has been impressive at times during the Ashes Series,” Inverarity said. “Although his knocks of 17 and 2 in the Durham Test and his fucking dropped sitter off Graeme Swann were obviously fuck ups.”
“Mitchell is still only 21 years of age and is a player who remains of high interest. The trouble is, he’s a bloody piss tank. Christ knows where the big bastard is. He went on a bender when he got home from the Champions Trophy and we don’t have a clue where the fuck he is.”
Marsh’s older brother, and fellow beer bong champion, Shaun has been included in the squad. He was leading run scorer last summer in the KFC T20 Big Bash League but that hasn’t filled Lehmann with any confidence.
“The Big Bash League!” he laughed. “As if that means a fucking thing. I could still get a game playing that shit!”
“Look. Shaun was a player of real promise who has failed to deliver out in the middle but he’s a fucking lunatic on the turps and Christ knows I need some cheering up after the crap I’ve had to sit and watch over here.”
While the ICC World Cup 2015 in Australia and New Zealand is still around 18 months away, Lehmann says he has been planning for the tournament for some time.
“Every player between now and the World Cup has an opportunity to press their claims for selection by putting their hand up with strong performances. If you can keep up with me over the drip tray you’re a big fucking show, I can tell you.”