Australia’s vice-captain Brad Haddin has attempted to pull a tricky one and shift the attention of the national selectors away from his own poor performances with the bat.
The incumbant team backstop, who has made six scores under 14 in the eight visits he has made to the crease during the Ashes, has questioned the standard of umpiring throughout the series and believes that on-field officials were second-guessing themselves because of the presence of DRS and the vocal home crowd.
Haddin was clearly upset when he was given out lbw by umpire Tony Hill in Australia’s second innings in Chester-le-Street, where he tried to work a straight one from Stuart Broad to leg, much to the chagrin of Hill.
“He’s got a fucking bat, hasn’t he?” a perplexed Hill said. “Isn’t it just like Bradley to blame us for the fact that the Australian batting order is shithouse?”
“They’ve got silly bloody Shane Watson using up all their reviews when he’s out plumb, so I’ll be fucked if I know what they’ve got to whinge about.”
Umpires Hill, Marais Erasmus, Aleem Dar and Kumar Dharmasena have shared the officiating for the series, and Haddin admitted that neither they, nor his good self, had stood up to the mark in such an intense environment.
“It’s not my fault,” said Haddin. “I know players deal with pressure in different situations and some guys respond to it and I suppose I don’t. But I think with the umpiring in this series, there have been times when they have cracked under the whole big pressure of a big campaign like it is. Just like me.”
“Whole big pressure”. Good word stuff, Brad.
If the Australian team was a female orangutan on heat in the jungles of Borneo during their second innings Durham implosion, famed naturalist Sir Richard Attenborough would have described her as ‘presenting to the alpha male of the congress, Stuart’.
Yet Haddin was still looking for excuses, turning his attention to the English crowd reactions to the big screen DRS action replays.
“I know I should’ve hit it (the half volley he missed from Broad) but I couldn’t hit shit off a rock at the moment.”
“I do think it does place pressure on the umpires though because the crowd react,” Haddin said of the replays. “I wish they’d just shoosh up. It’s a home crowd here so they’re always going to lean towards England. They’re cheating bastards! It’s not fair! I want to go home!”
Controversy has dominated the series, with umpires and the decision review system making some glaring errors during the four Tests so far which have affected both teams.
The biggest howlers have included cheating fucking Stuart Broad’s not out edge to slip at Trent Bridge and Usman Khawaja getting put out of his misery after his laborious, pain-in-the-arse knock of 1 from 19 balls at Old Trafford. Khawaja was given out caught behind when he played his favourite ‘airy-fairy play and miss outside off stump’ to Graeme Swann.
Haddin said England deserved their 3-0 lead in the series heading into Wednesday’s dead rubber finale at The Oval, but believes there needs to be a review of the standard of umpiring.
“Maybe they could review their soft cock standard of batting,” umpire Hill retorted.
Footnote: A group of orangutans is known as a congress. We at RootersCricket.com formally apologise for our smart-arsery.