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Ashes, Australia, England

Rooters Cricket’s Ashes report card

Rooters, Ibiza

"Fuck it!"

“Fuck it!”

‘Geia sas!’ from the Greek party island of Ibiza. Readers will have to excuse our tardiness in the past week. The Rooters Cricket team have been up to their eyeballs in disco bickies and bikini-clad backpackers as we enjoy a well earned rest after covering another action-packed Ashes series.

Now the dust has settled on the northern leg of the 10-Test Ashes marathon and the Aussies have been belted like a red-headed stepson, it’s time for the holidaying Rooters experts to get the report card out and start marking the kids’ work with some ‘smiley faces’ and red texta. Scores are out of 39.

Chris Rogers – 31 – (367 runs at 41) It’s no coincidence that two of the last three VC winners (we’re not sure about Big Ben’s feathers) in the Australian armed forces sport ‘Rooster Pubes’. So when ‘Boof’ Lehmann wanted a hard nut to lead the batting order he obviously had to go for a ‘Fanta Pants’. 53 year old ‘Sauce’ Rogers was clearly the man for the job and the veteran opener gave this office a collective woody with his maiden Test century at Durham. Nice work ‘Ginger Nuts’!

David Warner – 7 – (138 @ 23) Punched Joe Root in a pub, got the arse, made a big ton against a blind home in the middle of bumfuck Idaho somewhere in Africa then returned to England where he was ironically caught hooking by Root at Old Trafford. Made 71 in the fourth Test but he’s had a pretty fucking weird month or two, the dopey little bastard. Needs to pull his head in. Bugger all chance of that.

Shane Watson – 13 – (418 @ 42, 2 wkts @ 90) He shits us. Did fuck all until the last Test where he finally turned one of his starts into a ton making 176, his first hundred in three years. He was the only Australian to manage 400 runs for the series but who gives a fuck. Half came at The Oval when the Poms picked a couple of lemons for shits and giggles. Any danger the miserable prick could smile or bend his back when he’s rolling the arm over?

Michael Clarke – 19 – (381 @ 48) Must be tough being the lunatic in charge of the asylum. Bastard of a job. All seemed a bit too much for him with the stick and was repeatedly bent over by the short-pitched stuff from poncey fucking Stuart Broad. Only two scores over 50, including his 187 in Manchester. Come on, Mick! You can belt the piss out of Sri Lanka all you like at home but we wanted you to give it to the Poms.

Steve Smith – 26 – (345 @ 38) He may have proven us all wrong, especially with his big maiden century. Banging sooky Jonathon Trott back over his head to bring it up would have had him as hard as a cat’s head. The 24-year-old improved as the series progressed but we wish he’d do something about the ‘do’. Wouldn’t hurt shaving the noggin instead of his balls.

Brad Haddin – 14 – (29 dismissals, 206 @ 23) Broke Rod Marsh’s world record for the most dismissals in a series, as if we give a rat’s arse. Christ! Stick some keeping gloves on Mitchell Starc and he would’ve done much the same job. Brought into the side for leadership but generally batted like a millionaire ….. as predicted pre-series by Rooters Cricket.

Usman Khawaja – 3 – (114 @ 19) Usi, Usi, Usi. Got himself in a few times then threw away starts, usually to bloody Graeme Swann with his fucking popped collar and wanky Oakleys. Seriously needs to harden the fuck up. Was supposed to be a thrashing machine as a kid. That fat bloke from Modern Family would hit it harder than Usi these days.

Phil Hughes – 6 – (83 @ 28) The little Oompa-Loompa made a sweet 81 not out in the opening innings of the series then batted like a busted arse making just two runs in his next three hits. Makes Shield bowlers look like muppets but flies to bits in the Tests. Poor bastard. We like ‘Flip’.

Ed Cowan – 1 – (14 @ 7) Had the squirts at Nottingham but when you think about it his batting was going to shit the bed anyway. Wouldn’t matter if he has ‘sharted’ on the way out to the crease or not, you don’t swing from the arse chasing a wide one in your first Ashes knock. To borrow from Rodney Eade, “dumbest smart bloke” in the squad.

Ryan Harris – 34 – (24 wkts @ 20) The Big ‘Ryano’ was an animal. Bowled quick and had a real dip. After manfully banging away with fucked knees like his, he would have punched holes in every dressing room wall in England watching the batting order roll over like fairies. The standout bowler in the series. If he hits Stuart Broad in the head out here they’ll make him Prime Minister!

Peter Siddle – 25 – (17 @ 32) After a strong start to the series Siddle faded badly, claiming just one wicket in his last two Tests. Needs to get himself down to the butcher and buy himself a dirty big sirloin and get it into his cakehole. Quick. Real blokes eat meat, Pete.

Mitchell Starc – 17 – (11 @ 32) Who’s Mitch been porking when he shouldn’t? Played every second Test. Sprayed the pill all over the shop like the crazy woman’s shit but he can bowl a jaffa when he lands them. Going to be a gun when he sorts out the radar.

James Pattinson – 5 – (7 @ 44) Looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane. Should be our most flat out quick, but bowled pies when the conditions didn’t suit him and then flew home with another fucked back.

Jackson Bird – 5 – (2 @ 63) Played only one Test and looked like he was bowling a tennis ball down the beach, with no sticky tape on one side. Bloody Swann and Bresnan belted shit out of him and he was sent home with a fucked back too. Again

James Faulkner – 19 – (45 @ 23, 6 @ 16) He’s got a bit of mongrel in him and had a snorter of a debut in the last Test. 6 wickets and 40-odd was a good start and he looks like he can hold his piss. We like Jim-bob.

Nathan Lyon – 15 – (9 @ 34) It’s pretty sad but old Nafe is Australia’s best spinner, so why the fuck didn’t they pick him at Nottingham? Bowls in Tests like it’s a tin pot T20. Toss it up, you gimp!

Ashton Agar – 13 – (130 @ 33, 2 @ 124) After his 98 on debut batting at 11, Rooters Cricket’s own Ashton would have had more roots than we’ve had hot feeds. Good on him because he bowled shit.

Matthew Wade – (Fuck all) – The only bloke amongst the 18-man touring party not to play a Test. Must have got on the gas a shitload while he was away. What else was he going to do?

Cheers, Rooters subscribers! Or as we say on the island ….. Yamas!



One thought on “Rooters Cricket’s Ashes report card

  1. One of magnificent subscribers has enquired as to why the players scores were rated out of 39. Put simply, that’s how old our founder is. And out of 10 is boring. And when you’re off your guts in Ibiza it just makes sense.

    Posted by rooterscricket | August 29, 2013, 3:23 pm

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