Australian opening batsman David Warner has touched down in Sydney after flying home “in a big plane” from the UK. He had been omitted from the squad for the ODI series, starting with the first match against Scotland on Tuesday in Edinburgh.
“I went in a big plane again!” a clearly excited Warner said. “I love how you put your seatbelt on then the plane-driver drives along for a while then he stops the plane then you sit there for a while then the plane goes real quick then it flies up high until your ears pop and stuff! It’s awesome!”
When reminded that he had “got the arse” from the Australian ODI squad by a group of pissed blokes heading off on their footy trip to Adelaide, Warner’s attitude became decidedly more melancholy.
“You saw me in the Twenty20 game the other night didn’t ya’?” asked Warner. “I done good. I hit the ball good and they said I done good! Even ‘Boof’ said I done good!”
Indeed, Warner had “done good” in Australia’s 29-run loss to England at Chester-le-Street scoring 53, but that wasn’t enough to sway the selectors.
Commenting on Warner’s omission from the Australian ODI squad, selector and coach Darren Lehmann said: “David has been left out of the Australian ODI squad for this tour due to his recent lack of form in this format. That’s what we’re saying anyway. To be honest I’ve had a bloody gutful of the dopey little bastard.”
“Like all selection matters, it was a tough decision, but unlike the other players he doesn’t understand what’s going on. He’s a nice enough kid but if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, he’s as dumb as a wheel.”
Lehmann was quick to point out that Warner’s Ashes journey had not been all doom and gloom.
“I spoke with Davey at length about what he needs to do and I’ve been impressed with his attitude since I’ve come into the Australian setup,” he said. “He has his first ever pair of lace-up cricket boots and can now tie his shoelaces, under supervision of course. Until now he’s been trotting around with Velcro spikes. No shit!”