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Ashes, Australia, England

Former English Test legends lose their shit

Rooters, Brisbane

'Fuck off!'

‘Tell your story walking, dickhead!’

Two days after slamming Australia’s batting as the “weakest Ashes line-up ever”, resident English commentary pullthrough Sir Ian Botham has described his countrymen’s first innings batting capitulation at the Gabba as “a fucking train wreck”.

The front-running flip-flopper said the Poms had only themselves to blame for a spectacular collapse before tea, during which they lost six wickets for just nine runs.

“I say. There’s nuffink wrong with the pitch, innit? It’s done nuffink; England have created the problem, innit?” he said or asked or exclaimed or whatever those dickheads do when they butcher the language they invented. “They lost a couple of wickets and then suddenly there was the session fucked, innit?”

The man who chased Ian Chappell out of a pub with a broken bottle in the 1970s was impressed by the performance of off-spinner Nathan Lyon, who was on a hat-trick after having Ian Bell and Matt Prior chuck it in.

Both were caught at short-leg by ‘Angry Birds pig’ lookalike Steve Smith from consecutive deliveries.

“Nathan Lyon, on this wicket, seven overs and two for seven? I fawt it was Shane Warne,” one of the worst English Test captains in history exaggerated. “Nathan Lyon’s done well, innit?”

Sooky old Geoff Boycott branded England “pathetic” after the pissweak collapse that left the former opening corpse with pads refusing to leave the Test Match Special commentary box.

'Fooking tripe!'

‘Fooking tripe!’

“I’m not fooking going!” he cried as several burly security men attempted to drag him by the legs from the booth. “That fooking performance against Nathan Lyon was tripe. They have a million staff but they can’t work out how to fooking play him. If you can’t bat in Test matches, you’ve fooking had it. Fooking tripe!”

Boycott was last seen biting the ankle of one of the security staff a la Jerry Springer unto Doctor Evil “he’s biting me!”-style.


All was progressing to plan for England an hour after lunch on day two of the Ashes but then the Poms started batting like…..well…..Poms.

Here’s how six wickets fell for nine runs:

1.42pm – 3 for 82, The greatest masturbator in all of England, Kevin Pietersen, had survived a shitload of early bouncers from dopey old Mitchell Johnson, only to clip Ryano Harris to midwicket for a piss poor end to his first innings in his 100th Test. Fuck off, dickhead!

2.09pm – 4 for 87, Michael Carberry (whoever the fuck that is) ended is agonizingly boring stint at the crease when MiJo bounced him from around the wicket. On your bike, John Doe.

2.15pm – 5 for 87, Ian ‘The Sherminator’ Bell’s dismissal was as soft as a pensioner’s turd as he became the first of Nathan Lyon’s victims snaffled at short-leg by Smith.

2.18pm – 6 for 87, Matt Prior fell for his second golden duck at the Gabba in consecutive innings – three years apart. He edged Lyon on to his thigh-pad and into the hands of a rock-hard Smith at short-leg. Silly fucking Aleem Dar didn’t see the edge, but DRS did. Thank Christ!

2.25pm – 7 for 89, A nation laughed and David Warner felt a little bit of ‘naughty’ come out when 13-year-old Joe Root poked a limp dick drive at a ball from Mitchy-Poo to the slips. Back to your Lego, Joe.

2.35pm – 8 for 91, If they giggled at Little Joe, Australian cricket nuts were uncontrollably pissing their collective pants when collar-popping fuckstick Graeme Swann was caught at bat-pad off MiJo just before tea. The wicket was made all the more loin-stirring when television replays confirmed the delivery to be a no ball. Fuck yeah!

Sweet arvo, that.



3 thoughts on “Former English Test legends lose their shit

  1. Welcome back Rooter it’s been too long…

    Posted by Batman | November 22, 2013, 10:52 pm
  2. What an exceptionally well written piece…for a complete shackle dragger

    Posted by H | December 12, 2013, 6:43 pm
    • Cheers, Harry.

      Thank Christ my forebears are not of English stock and were therefore not sent here for stealing a loaf of bread to feed their starving family.

      Unfortunately, my ancestors came to these shores from the Emerald Isle to escape starvation in the Potato Famine of the mid 1800s. The Great Famine was of course part of the genocide inflicted on the Irish by fucking Poms.

      But enough about me. How is your poor dental hygiene going? What with you lot not placing too much value in looking after your teeth and all. Do you have a preference for taking baths rather than showers like the rest of your country? It must be strange to bathe in your own filth, but then I suppose it makes it easier for your Mum to wash your balls, innit?

      Anyway, thanks for reading.


      Posted by rootersscricket | December 12, 2013, 10:22 pm

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