Cricket Australia officials were thrown into a flap during the week after the appearance of a story written by Kenyan-born, former England fast-bowling, potato chip enthusiast and lardy-boy Derek Pringle in the London Telegraph.
The great big bastard, who changed his name to that of his favourite crisp in the late 1980s, once damaged his back when his chair collapsed, forcing him to withdraw from a Test match, although the story usually told is that the fat fucker sustained the injury whilst writing a letter. No shit.
But we digress.
Anyhoo, it turns out that the ECB wanted Brisbane dropped from future Ashes itineraries as punishment for the boorish behaviour of Gabba spectators and the local media, especially in their treatment of paceman Stuart Broad who was referred to, in many sectors, as a ‘c**t’.
“Senior members of the England and Wales Cricket Board at the match were so astounded by the behaviour of Australia’s supporters, in particular their puerile chants of ‘Broad is a wanker’, that representations have been made to Cricket Australia about the possibility of not playing there on future tours. Indeed, they can all go and get fucked,” wrote Pringle.
Queensland Cricket said it had received no reports of anything too sinister from the Gabba crowd.
“We saw fuck all worth reporting,” Queensland Cricket spokesman Billy Coppick said. “There were no issues reported involving player abuse or complaints received from either side.”
“Since we’ve relaxed the spectator Code of Conduct, evictions for crowd misbehaviour are actually down from our previous Ashes Test,” said Coppick. “Spectators have flocked to the family friendly ‘Brown-eye Bay’, which is located immediately adjacent to the English players’ race, while the free ‘FUCK OFF, POMS!! signs handed out by the girls from the ‘Royal Queensland School of Pole Dancing’ have been a runaway success with the kids.”
In his pre-Adelaide Test media conference, English captain Alastair Cook acknowledged his team had contributed to the off-field mayhem.
“Yes, it’s true,” he admitted in an unprecedented display of candor. “Stuart Broad is a c**t. But we can’t worry about that kind of stuff.”
“In that last game we were all c**ts. Have a look at Anderson. Thank Christ he can bowl because I can’t stand the c**t. None of us can. Swann’s a c**t. Root’s a c**t. I’d say Carberry is a c**t but he’d kick the fuck out of me. That prick has muscles in his shit!”
That said, it also emerged that Brisbane Lord Mayor Timothy Gawne had strained the friendship in a private welcoming speech in which he had bestowed the keys to the city on the visitors but suggested that Kevin Pietersen might only be given the key to the city’s back door.
“The fairy will know where that is!” said His Lordship. “Fucking ‘sneaky butcher’. Always takes his meat in through the back door.”
Given that ECB chairman, Peter Appleton was the man who presented Pietersen with his 100th Test cap, Gawne’s intended light-hearted quip was ill-received, forcing the Brisbane Lord Mayor to issue a clarifying statement yesterday that his comments regarding Pietersen “were in jest”.
“I was only joshing,” said the Big Kahuna. “Kevin Pietersen can get fucked. I wouldn’t give him the keys to a busted arse Datsun 120Y up on blocks in Fortitude Valley.”
In recent developments, the ECB have upgraded their veiled threat to include the entire Australian mainland.
“Maybe last week we let emotion get ahead of ourselves a little bit on some occasions and it got a little bit ugly,” Appleton was reported to have said. “But clearly we shan’t be stopping at Brisbane.”
“It has been made abundantly apparent to the ECB executive that the Brisbane crowd are fucking lunatics, so we won’t be playing in Queensland anymore. Our chaps can’t catch, bowl at the off stump or get in behind express pace with any semblance of BALLS at Adelaide, so South Australia can get fucked. The Perth pitch is far too bouncy and scary so you can stick WA up your arse. We’ve been reliably informed the MCG crowd have been urged to remind Stuart Broad he is a ‘c**t’. And the SCG refuse to serve our chaps Piri-Piri breaded tofu with tomato salsa, pumpkin seed and goji berry breakfast bars and mungbean curry with spinach, so fuck Sydney.”
In further news, Cricket Australia deputy chief executive Glenn Sharp released the much anticipated Ashes fixture for 2016 this morning.
“We are excited to announce an unprecedented five-Test Ashes extravaganza to be played at the magnificent Bellerive Oval in Hobart beginning on November 26 and concluding on December 30,” Sharp said. “We understand it will disrupt the T20 Big Bash competition, however we have compacted the five Tests into five weeks so as to minimise any inconvenience. If you don’t like it, you can get fucked.”
Footnote: We can’t bring ourselves to type “c**t” in our articles yet. Sorry.