A couple of weeks before the Gabba Test, Shane Watson sat in front of a mirror in the foyer of the Intercontinental Hotel in Sydney and he was talking about Shane Watson.
Specifically, he was talking about Shane Watson’s hair. And Shane Watson’s muscles.
“As long as I have time to get ready,” he mused. “That’s what matters the most. Ultimately, I reckon you are measured as an Australian cricketer by how nice your hair looks on the TV, and how shiny your muscles are.”
When it comes to actually doing what he’s paid to do – fucking bat – the inspiration for the ‘Prince Charming’ character in ‘Shrek’, ‘Shrek 2’ and of course ‘Shrek the Third’, differs from many other cricketers in that he really doesn’t appear to give a fuck.
So, doubtless, he would have been as hard as a cat’s head this morning when he got to piss off back to the changerooms, and his blow dryer and ‘Redken for Men Shine Form Defining Wax’, after the big ponce threw his wicket away in the first session at Perth.
Waving a half-hearted waft at poofy Stuart Broad, ‘Twatto’ nicked to ‘he of the fucking popped collar’, Graeme Swann in the slips for a piss-poor 18. This followed his limp-dicked 22 and 6 at Brisbane and his 51 and ‘globe’ at Adelaide.
Watson and his lack of hundreds at Test level has been talked about by anyone with half a cricket brain for years, but his failure to make any fucking significant contribution thus far in this series hopefully means old ‘Fabio’ is in the gun again.
“Look, in the end, I’m just a man,” Watson said. “This is the thing I’ve had to get my head around: ‘Why is Shane Watson so gorgeous?’ Why? I just have to keep thinking about what really matters. You know, did I do enough reps this morning on my new ‘Ab Doer Twist’ that the missus got me from Danoz Direct? Is my fringe perfect?”
Without stating the obvious, Shane Watson is a pain in the arse. If he is to cement himself as Australia’s No. 3, usually reserved for the best batsman, he may well be the last one who will need reminding that he better start making larger scores than 51.
If Rooters Cricket knows Watson at all, he will be ‘pumping the dolphin’ in the shower as we speak while his team mates try to salvage his fuck up.