Collar-popping England spin-bowling felcher Graeme Swann has sensationally retired and will play no further part in the Ashes series, which resumes at the MCG on Boxing Day.
The 34-year-old soft cock had been one of several under-performing players in pooncey Alastair Cook’s touring party under pressure to retain their places for the final two matches of the series after having their collective arses reamed by a rampaging Aussie line-up thus far.
Indeed, Swann posted a comment on Facebook responding to a post from his brother who had gone to see a Pet Shop Boys cover band play at home in England.
“Rather have been there than being arse raped in Perth!” Swann wrote.
Swann is the second player in the England squad to have exited the series before its conclusion. Jonathan Trott returned home after the first Test in Brisbane with a stress-related illness.
Now let’s make it perfectly clear. Here at Rooters Cricket we refuse to take the piss out of blokes suffering from genuine mental illness and are right behind Jonathon Trott and support him in his efforts to get his mind well.
However, we are more than happy to climb all over Swann’s pissweak decision to chuck it in.
He is a clearly a front-running, downhill-skiing fucking fairy! But of course he’s no Robinson Crusoe.
Jimmy Anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Cook, Joe Root, Matt Prior, Stuart Broad and even Ian Bell have all rolled over like a big fat Labrador and cried “Stop pummelling me!!” while debutants Michael Carberry and Ben Stokes have been left with their dicks in their hands. Fuck!
Old Graeme is quitting having played 60 tests since making his debut in 2008, taking 255 test wickets in those five years. Four months ago he was the leading wicket-taker in the Ashes in England with 26 scalps at an average of under 30 on dust bowls tailor made for his pies. But he has taken only seven wickets at an average of 80 during England’s three test losses so far in Australia.
“I don’t regret a single day of my career,” Swann said. “Every high has been celebrated with verve and vigour and every low painfully accepted as a chance to learn and improve.”
Turn it up! So after copping a genuine balls-deep fisting at the WACA last week when he was smashed for 22 runs in a single over by century making dead rubber expert Shane Watson in the hosts’ second innings, Swann decides he has a chance to “improve” his British Airways frequent flyer miles. Wanker!
“I came to Australia in the hope of dining from a superb 5-Star menu, but that’s now fucking impossible,” Swann told British newspaper The Sun.
“I was promised piri-piri breaded tofu with tomato salsa, a quinoa and cranberry breakfast bar, mungbean curry with spinach, and pistachio and ginger biscotti, but it has not fucking eventuated.”
“I could have made myself available for the last two Tests and maybe had a bit of a send-off from the Barmy Army but I’ve seen the MCG menu and they’re cooking fucking lamb chops and chili prawns on the BBQ and throwing out cold meat and fucking salad leftovers from Chrismas.”
When Swann had it pointed out to him that lamb chops and chili prawns on the barbie are fucking awesome, the finger spinner whined, “That’s no reason to hang on for two more games. Fuck it! I’m off!”
His retirement opens the door for England to recall bouncer-pissing Monty Panesar at the MCG. Please make it happen, Andy Flower!!
Merry Christmas and the compliments of the season to you all out there in Rootersland!