Fortunately enough, I’ve never been at point blank range around the stables to see a mare get serviced by a stallion. They reckon it’s not pretty. They tell me there’s a little pony involved, sort of like the ‘fluffer’ that porn producers employ to get the ‘talent’ up and about. Then they fuck him off, bring the old girl in and it’s on for young and old. Frightening stuff!
With Australia languishing at 6 for 132 in Brisbane, the Poms had no idea what was in store for them. They had their heads in their nosebags munching away and going about their business. Situation normal after the northern summer. Then someone led the ‘fluffer’ away and in swanned a clearly pissed off Mitchell Johnson and Co.
“BEND OVER! IN YOU GO! SHLOOP! SHLOOP! SHLOOP!”
An agonizingly painful six and a half weeks later, Alastair Cook and his dour band of arse-reamed tourists must be thinking, like our old mare, “What the fuck was that!?! And where’s the flowers?”
Having shocked the planet in coming back from the 3-zip Ashes loss in England to pulverize the English 5-nil here, it’s time to have a sniff at the figures…..Rooters-style.
18 – Aching arseholes. The Poms brought 20 blokes over in their squad and played 18 of them. No shit! Some nuff-nuff named James Tredwell was in the twelve for Sydney and didn’t play leaving big Steve Finn to be the only bloke not to get even a sniff on the entire tour. He is about eight foot tall, is as slippery as Stuart Broad and has clocked up 90 Test wickets at the age of 24. You would not want to be his dog when he gets home as you’ll be receiving a fucking massive size-18 Julius Marlow to the guts!
0 – Australian changes. The Aussies fielded the same 11 players in all five Tests, earning them the gay-arsed nickname ‘The Unchangeables’. Despite Ryan Harris having a knee replacement during the luncheon interval at Adelaide and Shane Watson being built like Tarzan and playing like Jane, no other bastard got a look in. Even fucking George Bailey played every game.
37 – MiJo tears the Poms a new arsehole. Mitch hates Poms. Especially those Barmy Army fuckwits. No better than those fucking vuvuzelas – you know, those bloody horns they were blowing at the South African soccer World Cup. Just braindead noise made by grown-ups who, when they’re home, still live with their Mums. Anyway, those Barmy Army arseclowns were spewing when MiJo wasn’t picked for the England leg and were hoping like buggery he’d get a run back here. Be careful what you wish for, fuckheads! Mad Mitch grew a fucking ace mo’ and scared sixteen colours of shit out of the pissweak Pommie batsmen. It was really ace when he nearly broke Stuart Broad’s ankle but we all laughed hard when he badged former ‘Take That’ frontman Gary Ballance in Sydney. That was a pisser, that one!
- 100 – Shit-scared Poms. 10 times 10 equals 100. No shit! You do the maths! That’s how many Poms got arseholed this series by the Aussie quicks and desert head Nafe Lyon. Never before has an Ashes side lost all 100 wickets in a series. Fair dinkum! You weak pricks.
- 3 – Lambs to the slaughter at the SCG. For the first time since 2006, England fielded three ‘skinners’ in one game. They all fucked up, with Ballance making 25 runs in his two knocks, Scott Borthwick taking four expensive wickets, and Boyd Rankin just the one scalp. And Andy Flower reckons he’s planning on rebuilding with them. No shit! Fucking hilarious!
- 200 – Highest partnership. Of course this stand was between Haddin and Clarke in Adelaide. Of the nine century partnerships the Aussies recorded, Haddin was involved in four of them. England only had one three-figure stand, between fucking Joe Root and fucking Kevin Pietersen in Adelaide. Remember that one? Don’t despair. Neither do we.
- 4 + 6 + 2 + 4 + 6 + 6 = 28 – That shits you, Jimmy. Let’s face it. Here at Rooters we fucking despise James Anderson. He is, what is technically referred to, as a wanker. The Poms reckon he is an out-and-out gun but without a shiny Duke ball and English conditions he is just another sulky, sooky trundler whose best ever series doesn’t even come close to Dale Steyn’s entire career stats. Anyhoo, Bailey gave the nation a collective roaring horn when he took 28 off Jim-Bob in the 87th over of the second dig at the WACA.
67 – Fours by Warner. Dopey Little Davey really did go apeshit, didn’t he!?! When the series was up for grabs in Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth he was the bloke who smashed the Poms like a guitar, leading the runs aggregates for the series on his way to 523 runs with two tons and two fifties. He hit the most fours, but Stuart Broad and Shane Watson hit the most sixes (6). Who gives a fuck? Punching poofy little Joe Root in that Birmingham pub must seem like a lifetime ago. So must his missus getting snapped with Sonny Bill Williams up to his nuts in guts in that Sydney pub shithouse. Swings and roundabouts.
14 – ‘Some bloke’ Borthwick at Durham. The worst leg-spinner in the history of Test match cricket was only 14th on the bowling lists at county club Durham last season. No shit! You’d want to keep all sharp implements away from crazy old Monty Panesar. ‘The Montosaurus’ has as many five-wicket hauls as John Emburey, Phil Edmonds and Phil Tufnell combined and is arguably England’s best ever left-arm spinner. Then he gets dropped for that muppet! Christ!
279 and 15 – ‘Fanta Pants’ Stokes. The Durham all-rounder was the only good thing to come out of the tour for England and we like him. Being a red nut, we’ll assume he has a thermonuclear disposition so, being only the fourth player ever to make over 250 runs and take 15 wickets in his debut series, here at Rooters we hope like buggery he pinned Kevin Pietersen against the wall after Sydney, Simon Katich on Michael Clarke-style, and melted his face with a “You fucking weak cunt!”
62.44 to 26.11 – Bell’s averages shit the bed. The old Sherminator looked fucking impregnable in the northern summer. Let’s face it. The prick can bat! But from being the top run-getter in England, to scoring just two fifties here, Bell’s drop in form was like the ABC commentary box swapping out Kerry ‘Skull’ O’Keefe for that fucking egghead Ed Cowan. But he wasn’t the only one, as none of the top order averaged above 30.
22.88 to 61.62 – Haddin’s Viagra averages. On the other hand, Australia’s veteran iron gloves was a fucking machine with the bat, scoring five fifties and a century and pulling the Aussies out of the shit in every first innings. He even wound back the clock with the mitts! Who would have thunk it!?! I’m not too sure that psychopath Steyn will let him flat-bat long-hops to cow corner next month though. Good luck with that, Bradley.
27.27% – Tons up for the ‘Rooster pubes’ brigade. There were 11 centuries scored across the five Tests – the Aussies punched out ten in the series (cheers for the heads up, Shrek!), two each for David Warner, Chris Rogers, Michael Clarke and Steve Smith. England only had one, by Stokes, who made 120 in Perth. More than a quarter were made by gentlemen with orange feathers.
20.50 – ‘Some bloke’ Borthwick at Sydney. Sorry. I don’t even know this clown’s first fucking name! ‘John Doe’ was in Australia playing grade cricket when he was called up after Graeme Swann went home to front his ‘Right Said Fred’ cover band. No shit! Then again, after his only Test he finished with the best Pommie bowling average for the series. I say again … No shit!
200 – Not a heap of runs. Any danger the Poms could have put their heads down and arses up and toughed it out for a few sessions with the stick? They were knocked over for less than a double ton six times, twice in Sydney and twice in Brisbane. They ticked over 350 only once. Fuck me! Australia made under 200 once, in Adelaide, when they declared at 3 for 132, when they were 530 in front, with little dopey Davey on 83 not out and two days left. Fucking tough, Mick Clarke. Fucking tough!
Remember when Ian Botham made the big call that the Poms would whitewash the Aussies 5-zip? Well let’s leave the final English word up to that A-grade fuck stick.
“I’m pretty depressed and embarrassed. I use that word – embarrassed – and I mean it,” Botham, one of the worst English Test captains in history, told Sky Sports. “I am not allowed to use the words that are flashing through my head at the moment. I just think it was spineless.”
We’ll lob in a couple of words to help you out, Sir Ian.