A deflated Alastair Cook has admitted for the first time he doesn’t know if he wants to captain his country and he misses his Mummy.
On the back of its 5-0 Ashes pumping, Australia claimed the limited overs series in resounding style on Sunday at the SCG by hammering England by seven wickets with 10 overs to spare.
The win gave Australia an unbeatable 3-0 lead in the best-of-five match series as the English gentlemen lie in their now all-too-familiar foetal position, sucking their thumbs and screaming “Not in the face!!”
The England Test and one-day captain has done a complete about-face since the Tests and is now unsure whether he wants to go on leading his merry band of soft cocks.
“I don’t really want to get dragged into it. It’s been two weeks since somebody has asked me that question and a lot has happened in two weeks. We’ve kept losing games of cricket and I’ve forgotten how to bat,” Cook said.
“I can’t answer that question now because I’m in the middle of the series and someone pinched my new Skylanders game I got for Christmas and I have a very sore belly and I just miss my Mummy.”
It was unclear whether Cook, a grown man who had not lost a Test series as captain until this summer’s Ashes, was actually speaking specifically about his mother or not.
“Yes. My Mummy. She gives the best cuddles and I want my Mummy,” Cook said. “We’ll sit down and talk (about) a lot of things when I get home. She’ll wipe my tears. Turn my frown upside down. Tuck me in. Read me my favourite book, which is of course ‘Horton Hears A Who’. Rub my belly until I go to sleep and in the morning she’ll bring me my breakfast in bed. My favourite is Fruit Loops!”
Jonathan Trott, Graeme Swann, Steven Finn and poofy Jimmy Anderson are all big fans of ‘Horton Hears A Who’ also and have all left the tour for varying reasons since it began in October but despite being shattered at how events have transpired Cook said he would not be flying home early.
“I don’t know my way home,” Cook said. “Mummy usually takes me.”
Australia captain Michael Clarke endured his own tough period last year when his team were winless across all formats about seven months and knows the predicament Cook is faced with.
Asked whether he felt sympathy for Cook’s plight, Clarke said:
“Nah, fuck him. To a certain extent I know what Alastair is going through because we’ve experienced some tough times as a team and it’s tough as a captain, but nah. Fuck him.”