Former Australia Test player and controversial commentator Dean Jones has questioned the logic behind Cricket Australia’s National Selection Panel (NSP) replacing injured allrounder James Faulkner in the Test squad for the tour of South Africa with a man whose name ‘Deano’ can neither say, spell nor remember – Moises Henriques.
Fresh from bitch-slapping ‘Fanta Pants’ Ben Stokes and Timothy ‘Tim’ Thomas Bresnan to all parts of the Gabba in the insane 3rd ODI win, crazy young ‘Faulkenstrudel’ has done his knee and needs to go under the knife.
Henriques has been announced as Faulkner’s replacement but Jones believes the Portuguese-born New South Welshman doesn’t have the consistency to warrant selection and his name is just too fucking complicated to commentate.
“I just can’t believe Muslim Hercules has been called in, I really can’t,” Jones told Fairfax Radio station, 3AW, on Tuesday night.
“The problem is I can sort of go with the selectors a little bit because there’s fuck all other guys around, and he had a good first Test against India … but, what’s his name? Moses Henderson. He has this tendency in the history of his career to make one good score and then he goes to sleep for two months and we don’t see him. How the fuck am I supposed to remember a name like fucking Oyster Helicopter if I don’t see him for 8 weeks?”
Jones went on to thumb his balls firmly in the pro-Phil Hughes camp.
“See, for some reason they don’t like Phil Hughes. He looks fucking weird, he’s about 4 foot 3, he backs away to buggery and hits the ball in funny spots but the little bastard averages 50 in first-class cricket. And his name is easy. Phil Hughes. Phil fucking Hughes. Has Henri Leconte or whatever the fuck his name is punched out three Test centuries against South Africa in South Africa? Fuck no! Fucking Phil has though!”
NSP chairman of selectors, John Inverarity, explained Henriques’ inclusion by saying: “Moises Henriques has shown some good form recently with both bat and ball he provides a good fit when looking to replace James (Faulkner) and if you just take your time and read it properly, his name’s really not that bloody hard to say.”
Jones was not finished there though and really let rip when analysing the Shaun Marsh selection, wondering aloud on 3AW as to how some decisions are made by the NSP.
“This is my point (regarding) why Shaun Marsh was picked. I was fucking livid with that. The guy’s averaged 25 over his last three years. So our selectors are picking guys on mediocrity. But at least I can say his name. You try it … Shaun Marsh. Two syllables. Simple. He’s as dumb as fuck, Shaun, so he needs a nice easy one. Now try saying the other guy’s name. What is it? Moisty Secretion or whatever the fuck it is. Christ.”
For his part, Henriques admitted his only hope of being picked in the first Test against South Africa is through an unforeseen injury to another Australian player.
“Fucked if I know,” admitted Henriques. “I’ve been kissed on the dick by a fairy, haven’t I? Look, I s’pose Watto (injury-prone Ken Doll, Shane Watson) is bound to rip a hammy off the bone at some stage so I s’pose I’m a show.”