Sitting in Sydney airport awaiting his team’s flight to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, Australian captain Michael Clarke said he was unaware top-ranked South Africa had beaten No. 2 India to extend their unbeaten run to 14 series.
“Fucked if I know. I didn’t watch one ball of that series to be honest,” said Jimmy Anderson’s mate. “I couldn’t even tell you the result. Did they win?”
“Look. A lot of teams in Test cricket are having success lately but since Kyly put ‘Flappy Birds’ on my phone I have been pretty distracted. It’s so fucking frustrating! My greatest challenge is to be able to beat my best score, which is five. Now fuck off. I’m trying to concentrate.”
After touching down in South Africa, a clearly distressed Clarke had obviously had a gutful.
“Fuck the fucking ‘Flappy Birds’,” he lamented. “Even Watto (proud new Twitter account holder Shane “Quentin” Watson) has got up to eleven.”
The South Africans are aware that they will have to stand up to a shitty Clarke and a resurgent Australia as the first Test begins in Centurion today.
The Ashes whitewash has restored some of the traditional values of the Australian Test side under coach Darren Lehmann. A team that has always liked to play hard and suck bulk piss, they have revived their old timey ‘huffy’ ways and, most recently, intimidated the fuck out of England’s mentally fried batsmen throughout the Ashes.
“In Australia, we call it having a bit of ‘cunt’,” banana eating, former fast-bowling, slow medium-pacer Peter Siddle said. “When you’ve got Mitchell Johnson bowling fucking quick and Ryan Harris’ eyes rolling around in the back of his head, I don’t think it matters who you’re playing or how good the batsmen are. Now excuse me while I sit down for a minny. I’m feeling a bit woozy.”
With the Aussies rightly bullish over their chances, and hinting the home team won’t be able to handle their pace, the South Africans have said “fuck that!”
“Fuck that!” Proteas captain Graeme Smith said. ” Have you seen Siddle? The skinny prick looks like a pox doctor’s clerk. As if he’s going to bowl quick.”
The South Africans are aware though they will have to stand up to a resurgent Australia.
While Australia’s preparations involved a vigorous practice match among the squad, where the quick bowlers (not P. Siddy – he doesn’t bowl quick no more) peppered their own batsmen with short shit then sat around and ate buckets of fresh inbred baby giraffe meat specially flown in from Copenhagen Zoo, the South Africans went about their preparation slightly differently.
It has been sensationally revealed the Saffas recently retreated to a wildlife reserve for two days of team bonding around campfires – Brokeback Mountain-style.
“It’s really good for my soul,” wicketkeeper-batsman AB de Villiers said of the home team’s more relaxed, gay cowboy-like preparations.
De Villiers said the team “have each other’s backs more than ever now,” but it has undoubtedly had its balance upset by the retirement of allrounder Jacques Kallis.
“I was supposed to share my two-man tent with Jacques,” he claimed. “But he’s gone and retired, hasn’t he? Nevermind. I moved Faf du Plessis up the order instead. He doesn’t mind staying up the non-striker’s end which suits me down to the ground. A wonderful ‘nightwatchman’ is Faf!”
Australia will have to make at least two changes after George Bailey was given the arse for the tour and of course Shane Watson was ruled out of the first Test with a mosquito bite on his fucking right calf. Batsmen Alex Doolan, dopey bloody Shaun Marsh and Phil Hughes are the contenders for those two spots.
Whatever the changes, it seems Australia has been eagerly anticipating this contest as a chance to prove they are the real deal since loose quick Harris wrapped up the Ashes pumping a month ago.
“You talk about motivation. You talk about fucking motivation!” Harris screamed. “We’re coming up against the number one team in the world. I’m going to fucking kill someone!”
Here at Rooters, we’re pumped…..and a little bit lumpy in the pants.
Australia: Chris Rogers, David Warner, dopey bloody Shaun Marsh, Michael Clarke (captain), Steve Smith, Alex Doolan, Brad Haddin (wk), Mitchell Johnson, Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris, Nathan Lyon
South Africa: Alviro Petersen, Graeme Smith (captain), Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers (wk), JP Duminy, Faf du Plessis, Ryan McLaren/Wayne Parnell, Robin Peterson, Dale Steyn, Vernon Philander, Morne Morkel