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Australia, South Africa, Tests

‘You’re going to bowl like a fucking gimp!’ – Lehmann

Rooters, Cape Town

'Get this man some beef!'

‘Cut that shit out!’

Peter Siddle’s refusal to strap on a nose bag has cost him a place in the Test team. The banana eating, former fast-bowler turned slow medium-pace bowling, pox doctor’s clerk has been dropped from the Australian line-up amid claims of malnutrition.

Coach and selector Darren Lehmann confirmed that the team hierarchy were concerned about Siddle’s refusal to eat anything other than bananas, lentil soup and couscous.

“Look I love a fucking good hamburger with the lot and a buddy Coke and a few darts for brekkie like the next bloke so I’m probably not the fella you should be asking,” admitted Lehmann. “But fuck me! He looks shithouse! The poor bastard looks like he’s got the old ‘Doug Wades’! And he farts like a trotting horse now. It’s fucking shithouse!”

Man-management has been the cornerstone of the coach’s recent success and he clearly takes pride in understanding his troops.

“Mate, I’ve Googled this shit. Malnutrition’s fucking real. It continues to be a significant problem all over the world, especially among vegans. Poverty, natural disasters, political problems and war all contribute, especially in developing countries.”

“But if you’re going to start fucking around with your vittles and pumping coffee enemas up your arse with a garden hose and all that shit, the fact is, you’re going to bowl like a fucking gimp!”

'When I close my eyes, I see a KFC 12 piece feed.' - Siddle

‘When I close my eyes, I see a KFC 12 piece feed.’ – Siddle

Lehmann was clearly making reference to Siddle’s pace, which has noticeably dropped away since he took on his girlfriend’s vegan num-nums regime.

“Look, she’s obviously a lovely chick, Anna. And bloody handy. But Christ, she’d want to be able to suck the chrome off a tow bar if she’s going to stand in the way of a man eating steak, wouldn’t she?”

“It’s unlucky for Sids because he’s done a great job for us over the last few Tests but we’ve gone for the extra pace,” Lehmann reflected. “He’d like some more wickets obviously but it’s the pace drop. We need him bowling 140 (km/h) and at the moment he’s averaging 131, 132. He knows that, we’ve spoken to him and I’m sure he will be back bigger and stronger.”

“Just fucking eat some bloke food, for fuck’s sake!”

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