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Ashes, Australia, England, Tests

Watson prefers private “rub and tug”

Rooters, London

"This is what is sounds like when doves cry."

“So. This is what is feels like when doves cry.” – Milhouse Van Houten

Chalky-boned Australian all-rounder Shane “Quentin” Watson says it is incredibly sad for cricket fans that Kevin Pietersen is being denied the opportunity to play for the Poms in the upcoming Ashes series.

“It’s incredibly sad for the cricket-loving public not to be able to see Kevin Pietersen stand around shining his Oakleys for half an hour while his team mates are doing their warm-up,” Watson said on Friday.

“Have you seen him? Fuck! And they reckon I’m a soft cock! At least I’m in the rooms behind closed doors getting my rub and tug while the boys are training. That prick doesn’t even try and pretend he’s doing anything but sweet fuck all!”

Shiny. As. Buggery.

Shiny. As. Buggery.

Watson, who has just completed a meaningless Indian Premier League stint, is home for the impending dropping of his second testicle before heading out to Australia’s meaningless two-Test tour of the West Indies.

He plans to continue hormone replacement therapy and says one day only ever facing half volleys from a bowling machine in the nets will pay off.

“My off drive is fucking sweet, hey.”

"Fucking sweet, hey."

“Fucking sweet, hey.”

Sources close to the England camp claim Pietersen, the controversial South Africa-born England batsman, is not being considered by England for selection in the England squad because according to the South Africa-born former England captain Andrew Strauss who was recently appointed as the England and Wales Cricket Board’s new director of cricket, “KP is a cunt!”

Still with us?

Former Australia fast bowler Jason Gillespie revealed on Friday that he has held talks with South Africa-born Strauss about succeeding silly bloody Peter Moores as England coach.

Jason "Fucking" Gillespie

Jason “Fucking” Gillespie

Gillespie, currently coaching English county champions Yorkshire, is widely revered amongst the lads for his uncompromisingly fruity language and is seen as a leading contender to replace the sacked Moores and has been confirmed as “one of the candidates” by South Africa-born Strauss.

Some arse clown called Paul “Farbie” Farbrace has been handed the head coaching position for England’s current two-Test series against New Zealand.

Gillespie has claimed Yorkshire is his “fucking dream job” but reports emerged on Wednesday that the ECB had been in touch and Gillespie confirmed that on Friday.

“Fuck. I’ve spoken to fucking Andrew and the fucking ECB about the vacant fucking position,” he told Sky Sports News.

“They made it very fucking clear they’re fucking chatting to a number of fucking people of fucking interest, so they’ll let us fucking know what the fucking process is in due fucking course. At this fucking stage there’s fuck all to say.

“It was face-to-fucking-face (with fucking South Africa-born Strauss), and we had a fucking good chat and we’ll fucking see what fucking pans out from there.”

Fuck!

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