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Australia, South Africa, Tests

Warner back on top of ICC fuckwit rankings

Rooters, Durban

“Shamshung TVs shuck! And I love my shpeed dealer shunnies! Yesh I do!”

Australian Test vice-captain David Warner has regained his number one ICC ranking as the greatest fuckwit in world cricket after a fiery day of play at Kingsmead Cricket Ground in Durban.

The first Test provided a major talking point on day four when star Proteas batsman and God-bothering happy clapper AB de Villiers was run out by Warner and Nathan Lyon without scoring. Amen.

De Villiers slipped as he turned to scramble back to his crease as Lyon whipped off the bails and dropped the ball at the body of the prone Jesus freak lying face down next to the pitch.

Warner, Australia’s vice-captain, then unleashed a lisp-laden spray on centurion and Samsung TV enthusiast Aiden Markram, who turned his back on de Villiers in the run out.

“The body of Christ …..”

Former South Africa captain Graeme Smith has slammed David Warner for his celebration.

“The Aussies were pretty fired up at that time pushing for a victory,” Smith told Rooters. “We’ve got used to Davey over the years. He’s as dumb as a wheel. And he’s obsessed by his fucking LG television. I think the less interest you take in Oled TVs the better.”

“When I push thish button the telly getsh more noisey!”

Smith warned the teams not to cross the line with that sort of frogshit.

“I think everyone who’s owned a half-decent telly reckon theirs is shit hot but, for fuck’s sake, when the only thing you watch is Peppa Pig and re-runs of the fucking Teletubbies on ABC Kids do you really need a $13,500 dollar idiot box. I mean I know he says the blacks in the Oled really show and distinguish those colours but how bright does fucking Tinky Winky’s handbag need to be!?!”

“One of the thingsh I look forward to when I come home ish being able to shit on my couch in front of my Oled TV.”

“He can be a bit of a fool at times. It’s best just to let him be.”

Little Davey later upped the ante as he made an A-Grade dick of himself as players from both teams returned to their dressing rooms at the tea break.

A dramatic corridor fillum has caught Warner in a heated confrontation with South African star Quinton The Cock. There are multiple moments where soft-as-a-pensioner’s-turd Aussie batsman Usman Khawaja is forced to restrain the notoriously brain-dead opener from marching at The Cock.

“Tinky Winky is not gay!!”

The video ends with Warner being held back by Khawaja, Steve Smith, Tim Paine and Nathan Lyon as The Cock walks through the Aussie team, presumably on his way to backing one out in the South African dressing room shithouse.

Warner eventually continues on to the Aussie dressing room for a nice big feed of fairy bread and Fanta after giving The Cock a final spray.

It also shows multiple Aussie players looking back at Warner with nervous, concerned expressions as the situation threatened to boil over.

Fuckwit.

Tinky Winky. More than likely gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Australia require just one wicket to take a 1-0 lead in the four-Test series after setting South Africa 417 for victory. The Proteas are 9-293, with Quinton The Cock (81) and “Chicken” Morne Morkel (0) at the crease.

Footnote: We may be back.

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