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Ashes, Australia, England, Tests, Uncategorized

Cameron Bancroft’s Ashes return would be a great story, says “rock hard” Justin Langer

Rooters, Birmingham


Cameron Bancroft has returned to the Australian XI as weird as Christmas.


Justin Langer says Cameron Bancroft returning for Australia would be a great comeback story, with the head coach ignoring the distinct possibility that picking him could completely and utterly fuck up the Australian top order.

Langer claimed his unashamed homoerotic nepotism for his fellow West Australian is “not an issue.”

“Fuck no! It’s not an issue. It would be a great story if he comes back into the team, from where he’s come from – his learnings over the last 14 months,” Langer said after Australia’s training session was cut short by rain yesterday.

“His development after what happened in Cape Town has been absolutely extraordinary. He’s been driving an Uber and has learnt to make a fucking awesome Cafe Latte! You know the one with the little squiggly flower out of the froth on top?”



“Hard as a cat’s head-style.”


“I’m that proud of him,” a clearly aroused Langer enthused. “He gives me wood, you know what I mean? Just like Haydos used to (referring to former Australian opening batsman and bible-bashing weirdo, Matthew Haydon, with whom it is reported Langer used to sleep “heads and tails” with on tour). I mean hard as a cat’s head-style.”

Picking Bancroft has its merits. He has been scoring in England, with two centuries among 726 runs for Durham this season ……. IN THE FUCKING COUNTY MAGOOS!!!!!

Chairman of Selectors Trevor Hohns struggled to come to terms with Langer’s enthusiasm for Bancroft as the first choice to partner opener David Warner. “We’re very comfortable with the form of Marcus Harris. He had a wonderful season back home – so he probably got the nod over Joe Burns in that area. But Justin said, ‘Fuck him. Cameron’s from Perth!’” a downcast Hohns lamented. 


These days Bancroft enjoys “Cameron Time”. On his own. In his gear. At random grounds near his house. And he loves the stumps his Mum got him from Aldi.


“He kept crapping on about how ‘Oh, Cam’s been fucking smashing them down at Willetton District Cricket Club’, wherever the fuck that is. But what can you do? The little c**t has a black belt or some shit. He’d kick seventeen colours of shit out of me!”

Joe Burns must be considered as stiff as seven boys. He made 180 in Australia’s most recent Test match, and 133 a couple of weeks ago for Australia A in the warm-ups. Hobo Joe may look like a sloth, but he’s peeled off four centuries in 16 Tests and he doesn’t give a fuck. Bancroft, Harris and fellow squad pick Marvellous Labia-strain have never made one between them in 19 Tests. Not one!

Joe Burns

Hobo Joe doesn’t give a fuck.


Mind you, Harris peeled off 141 in the Sheffield Shield Final only 4 months ago. But who gives a fuck about Shield form? The Australian selectors don’t!

Bancroft played all five Tests of the 2017‑18 Ashes but did fuck all other than cop a weird-arsed head-butt from Jonny Bairstow in a Perth nightclub at the start of the tour. But seriously. Why wouldn’t you head-butt Cameron?


FOOTNOTE: Cameron Bancroft fiddled and farted around and poked at a ball he could have let go from Stuart Broad on the first morning of the First Test at Birmingham, caught by Ellen Degeneres at first slip for a rusty 8. Prior to tea, the Australian top order are completely and utterly fucked up.


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