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Ashes

This category contains 35 posts

Watson prefers private “rub and tug”

Rooters, London Chalky-boned Australian all-rounder Shane “Quentin” Watson says it is incredibly sad for cricket fans that Kevin Pietersen is being denied the opportunity to play for the Poms in the upcoming Ashes series. “It’s incredibly sad for the cricket-loving public not to be able to see Kevin Pietersen stand around shining his Oakleys for … Continue reading

Poms are shit – a review

Rooters, Sydney Fortunately enough, I’ve never been at point blank range around the stables to see a mare get serviced by a stallion. They reckon it’s not pretty. They tell me there’s a little pony involved, sort of like the ‘fluffer’ that porn producers employ to get the ‘talent’ up and about. Then they fuck … Continue reading

Graeme Swann is as weak as piss

Rooters, Melbourne Collar-popping England spin-bowling felcher Graeme Swann has sensationally retired and will play no further part in the Ashes series, which resumes at the MCG on Boxing Day. The 34-year-old soft cock had been one of several under-performing players in pooncey Alastair Cook’s touring party under pressure to retain their places for the final … Continue reading

Your call. Which Pom is the biggest front running piss weak soft cock?

If you’re anything like the rock hard Australian Test team, you’ll be sporting a gargantuan boner until Boxing Day. Then, the day after Santa’s Birthday, you’ll get on with following up a big day on the piss with your favourite alcoholic uncle with a God-Almighty monster session on the green cans for five days as … Continue reading

Shane Watson is a pain in the arse

Rooters, Perth   A couple of weeks before the Gabba Test, Shane Watson sat in front of a mirror in the foyer of the Intercontinental Hotel in Sydney and he was talking about Shane Watson. Specifically, he was talking about Shane Watson’s hair. And Shane Watson’s muscles. “As long as I have time to get … Continue reading

BREAKING NEWS: Poms whinge. Australians don’t give a fuck.

Rooters, Adelaide Cricket Australia officials were thrown into a flap during the week after the appearance of a story written by Kenyan-born, former England fast-bowling, potato chip enthusiast and lardy-boy Derek Pringle in the London Telegraph. The great big bastard, who changed his name to that of his favourite crisp in the late 1980s, once … Continue reading

Anderson ‘said he’d give me a ‘chinese burn” – Bailey

Rooters, Sydney George Bailey, the mature-aged debutant whose confrontation with James Anderson ignited the tense finale to the first Test, says he was not perturbed by a threat from the England fast bowler to give him a “chinese burn” and predicts the “naughty words” that were exchanged at the Gabba will continue in Adelaide next … Continue reading

Former English Test legends lose their shit

Rooters, Brisbane Two days after slamming Australia’s batting as the “weakest Ashes line-up ever”, resident English commentary pullthrough Sir Ian Botham has described his countrymen’s first innings batting capitulation at the Gabba as “a fucking train wreck”. The front-running flip-flopper said the Poms had only themselves to blame for a spectacular collapse before tea, during … Continue reading

Rooters Cricket’s Ashes report card

Rooters, Ibiza ‘Geia sas!’ from the Greek party island of Ibiza. Readers will have to excuse our tardiness in the past week. The Rooters Cricket team have been up to their eyeballs in disco bickies and bikini-clad backpackers as we enjoy a well earned rest after covering another action-packed Ashes series. Now the dust has … Continue reading

English crowds should ‘just shoosh up’ – Haddin

Rooters, London Australia’s vice-captain Brad Haddin has attempted to pull a tricky one and shift the attention of the national selectors away from his own poor performances with the bat. The incumbant team backstop, who has made six scores under 14 in the eight visits he has made to the crease during the Ashes, has … Continue reading

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