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Australia

This category contains 40 posts

Watson prefers private “rub and tug”

Rooters, London Chalky-boned Australian all-rounder Shane “Quentin” Watson says it is incredibly sad for cricket fans that Kevin Pietersen is being denied the opportunity to play for the Poms in the upcoming Ashes series. “It’s incredibly sad for the cricket-loving public not to be able to see Kevin Pietersen stand around shining his Oakleys for … Continue reading

‘You’re going to bowl like a fucking gimp!’ – Lehmann

Rooters, Cape Town Peter Siddle’s refusal to strap on a nose bag has cost him a place in the Test team. The banana eating, former fast-bowler turned slow medium-pace bowling, pox doctor’s clerk has been dropped from the Australian line-up amid claims of malnutrition. Coach and selector Darren Lehmann confirmed that the team hierarchy were … Continue reading

‘Some people need a coffee…..’ – Smith

Rooters, Port Elizabeth The turmoil and uncertainty created by Mitchell Johnson and Australia’s thumping first Test win appears to have lingered into South Africa’s arse-about preparation for the second Test in Port Elizabeth. Amid remarkable scenes at yesterday’s coin toss, Australian captain Michael Clarke was left standing next to the pitch for five minutes awaiting … Continue reading

MiJo talks to Rooters Cricket

Rooters managed to catch up with an amped up Mitchell Johnson who was balls deep in victory celebrations after the Aussies flogged the Saffas in the first Test at Centurion. We asked him for an insight into the mindset he had going into the hosts’ first dig – just before he went and nearly took … Continue reading

South Africa first Test preview – stay hard!

Rooters, Johannesburg Sitting in Sydney airport awaiting his team’s flight to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, Australian captain Michael Clarke said he was unaware top-ranked South Africa had beaten No. 2 India to extend their unbeaten run to 14 series. “Fucked if I know. I didn’t watch one ball of that series to … Continue reading

Deano ‘livid’ on Hercules and Marsh selections

Rooters, Hobart Former Australia Test player and controversial commentator Dean Jones has questioned the logic behind Cricket Australia’s National Selection Panel (NSP) replacing injured allrounder James Faulkner in the Test squad for the tour of South Africa with a man whose name ‘Deano’ can neither say, spell nor remember – Moises Henriques. Fresh from bitch-slapping … Continue reading

‘I just miss my Mummy’ – Alastair Cook

Rooters, Sydney A deflated Alastair Cook has admitted for the first time he doesn’t know if he wants to captain his country and he misses his Mummy. On the back of its 5-0 Ashes pumping, Australia claimed the limited overs series in resounding style on Sunday at the SCG by hammering England by seven wickets with … Continue reading

Poms are shit – a review

Rooters, Sydney Fortunately enough, I’ve never been at point blank range around the stables to see a mare get serviced by a stallion. They reckon it’s not pretty. They tell me there’s a little pony involved, sort of like the ‘fluffer’ that porn producers employ to get the ‘talent’ up and about. Then they fuck … Continue reading

Graeme Swann is as weak as piss

Rooters, Melbourne Collar-popping England spin-bowling felcher Graeme Swann has sensationally retired and will play no further part in the Ashes series, which resumes at the MCG on Boxing Day. The 34-year-old soft cock had been one of several under-performing players in pooncey Alastair Cook’s touring party under pressure to retain their places for the final … Continue reading

Your call. Which Pom is the biggest front running piss weak soft cock?

If you’re anything like the rock hard Australian Test team, you’ll be sporting a gargantuan boner until Boxing Day. Then, the day after Santa’s Birthday, you’ll get on with following up a big day on the piss with your favourite alcoholic uncle with a God-Almighty monster session on the green cans for five days as … Continue reading

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