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Graeme Swann

This tag is associated with 10 posts

‘I just miss my Mummy’ – Alastair Cook

Rooters, Sydney A deflated Alastair Cook has admitted for the first time he doesn’t know if he wants to captain his country and he misses his Mummy. On the back of its 5-0 Ashes pumping, Australia claimed the limited overs series in resounding style on Sunday at the SCG by hammering England by seven wickets with … Continue reading

Poms are shit – a review

Rooters, Sydney Fortunately enough, I’ve never been at point blank range around the stables to see a mare get serviced by a stallion. They reckon it’s not pretty. They tell me there’s a little pony involved, sort of like the ‘fluffer’ that porn producers employ to get the ‘talent’ up and about. Then they fuck … Continue reading

Graeme Swann is as weak as piss

Rooters, Melbourne Collar-popping England spin-bowling felcher Graeme Swann has sensationally retired and will play no further part in the Ashes series, which resumes at the MCG on Boxing Day. The 34-year-old soft cock had been one of several under-performing players in pooncey Alastair Cook’s touring party under pressure to retain their places for the final … Continue reading

Shane Watson is a pain in the arse

Rooters, Perth   A couple of weeks before the Gabba Test, Shane Watson sat in front of a mirror in the foyer of the Intercontinental Hotel in Sydney and he was talking about Shane Watson. Specifically, he was talking about Shane Watson’s hair. And Shane Watson’s muscles. “As long as I have time to get … Continue reading

Former English Test legends lose their shit

Rooters, Brisbane Two days after slamming Australia’s batting as the “weakest Ashes line-up ever”, resident English commentary pullthrough Sir Ian Botham has described his countrymen’s first innings batting capitulation at the Gabba as “a fucking train wreck”. The front-running flip-flopper said the Poms had only themselves to blame for a spectacular collapse before tea, during … Continue reading

Rooters Cricket’s Ashes report card

Rooters, Ibiza ‘Geia sas!’ from the Greek party island of Ibiza. Readers will have to excuse our tardiness in the past week. The Rooters Cricket team have been up to their eyeballs in disco bickies and bikini-clad backpackers as we enjoy a well earned rest after covering another action-packed Ashes series. Now the dust has … Continue reading

English crowds should ‘just shoosh up’ – Haddin

Rooters, London Australia’s vice-captain Brad Haddin has attempted to pull a tricky one and shift the attention of the national selectors away from his own poor performances with the bat. The incumbant team backstop, who has made six scores under 14 in the eight visits he has made to the crease during the Ashes, has … Continue reading

Hoy Cricket! Stop being a c**t!

Rooters, Manchester My old Grandpappy used to say, “Champion. The trouble with common sense is it’s not common.” And dear old Pop may well have been referring to umpires Tony Hill and Marais Erasmus who took the players off during the fourth day of the third Test at Old Trafford, much to the frustration of … Continue reading

Your call. Is Graeme Swann a wanker?

It would have been brilliant to see Rooters Cricket’s own Ashton Agar bring up a ton to cap his magnificent innings, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately he was caught by English resident pullthrough and popped-collar exponent Graeme Swann who proceeded to carry on like he’d just won the series off his own bat. Fuckwit! Let’s get to … Continue reading

Ashes fun police ban flares

Rooters, Nottingham With the Ashes barely 24 hours away, England’s fun police have stepped in to ensure that nobody has a good time. Hooliganism, or unruly, destructive, aggressive and bullying behaviour commonly associated with English soccer fans, has been banned from the first Test at Trent Bridge in Nottingham. The much-loved flare that has accompanied … Continue reading

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