Kevin Pietersen

This tag is associated with 10 posts

Watson prefers private “rub and tug”

Rooters, London Chalky-boned Australian all-rounder Shane “Quentin” Watson says it is incredibly sad for cricket fans that Kevin Pietersen is being denied the opportunity to play for the Poms in the upcoming Ashes series. “It’s incredibly sad for the cricket-loving public not to be able to see Kevin Pietersen stand around shining his Oakleys for … Continue reading

Poms are shit – a review

Rooters, Sydney Fortunately enough, I’ve never been at point blank range around the stables to see a mare get serviced by a stallion. They reckon it’s not pretty. They tell me there’s a little pony involved, sort of like the ‘fluffer’ that porn producers employ to get the ‘talent’ up and about. Then they fuck … Continue reading

Your call. Which Pom is the biggest front running piss weak soft cock?

If you’re anything like the rock hard Australian Test team, you’ll be sporting a gargantuan boner until Boxing Day. Then, the day after Santa’s Birthday, you’ll get on with following up a big day on the piss with your favourite alcoholic uncle with a God-Almighty monster session on the green cans for five days as … Continue reading

BREAKING NEWS: Poms whinge. Australians don’t give a fuck.

Rooters, Adelaide Cricket Australia officials were thrown into a flap during the week after the appearance of a story written by Kenyan-born, former England fast-bowling, potato chip enthusiast and lardy-boy Derek Pringle in the London Telegraph. The great big bastard, who changed his name to that of his favourite crisp in the late 1980s, once … Continue reading

Former English Test legends lose their shit

Rooters, Brisbane Two days after slamming Australia’s batting as the “weakest Ashes line-up ever”, resident English commentary pullthrough Sir Ian Botham has described his countrymen’s first innings batting capitulation at the Gabba as “a fucking train wreck”. The front-running flip-flopper said the Poms had only themselves to blame for a spectacular collapse before tea, during … Continue reading

England set to inject life into Ashes

Rooters, Manchester England selectors today announced a 14-man squad for the third Ashes Test at Old Trafford, starting on Thursday. In an attempt to even up the one-sided contest, they have included left arm pie-chucker Monty Panesar. National selector Geoff Miller said, “We’ve got to do something, old bean. We tried to give the colonials … Continue reading

Cool dude Michael Holding demands cheat Stuart Broad be banned

Rooters, Nottingham In a hugely contentious moment, England’s Stuart Broad was given a bewildering reprieve when Pakistani umpire Aleem Dar failed to spot a thick edge to Michael Clarke at slip off the bowling of Rooters Cricket’s own Ashton Agar. South African Kevin Pietersen backed his team-mate’s decision not to walk, and was effusive in … Continue reading

Ashes fun police ban flares

Rooters, Nottingham With the Ashes barely 24 hours away, England’s fun police have stepped in to ensure that nobody has a good time. Hooliganism, or unruly, destructive, aggressive and bullying behaviour commonly associated with English soccer fans, has been banned from the first Test at Trent Bridge in Nottingham. The much-loved flare that has accompanied … Continue reading

Gatting says pick Poms last

Rooters, Nottingham Ashes-winning captain and professional pie-eater Mike Gatting has urged England to continue with their national import policy for this northern summer’s contest with Australia. In keeping with the rich tradition of claiming non-English athletes as their own, the Poms have jumped all over Scottish Wimbledon champion and dour pain-in-the-arse Mummy’s boy Andy Murray, … Continue reading

Pietersen gives ‘little KP some time in the middle’

Rooters, Worcester What adjective would you use to describe England batsman Kevin Pietersen? Brash? Arrogant? Wanker, perhaps? Deluded KP will tell you he’s introverted? “I’ve got this reputation of being confident, yet I go and do all these psychology tests and I’m an introvert,” Pietersen tells his former team-mate Andrew Flintoff in an interview to be … Continue reading

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